loss – Sarah Guldalian

The topic we don’t address.

Something that changed for me years ago was the routine and comfort of going into an office.

When the world left to go off to school or work, I had already loaded up, gotten my coffee, greeted my baristas, found my parking spot, unlocked the doors, and welcomed my team. I loved my team.

Yet, some major things changed for me – and then the world shifted, in general – and I began to work primarily from home, alone, with meetings online instead of in-person, where there used to be hugs and handshakes and people who worried if you didn’t show up.

And, at first, it was hard… like, really hard. I felt claustrophobic and sometimes even panic. But, after awhile, I grew more accustomed to it and even saw the practical value and efficiency of it. While I admittedly grew to feel … almost robotic at times… I also came to see how productive I could be.

And, while I’d rather see people than simply be productive, I came to see the real positive it afforded me — more time with my family. And, after awhile, I grew to enjoy it. But, if you aren’t careful, you can let bad in with the good. And, whereas I used to always travel, I grew to rarely leave home.

And, you know — it is okay to be alone sometimes. When God is with you, you can always experience peace. He’s the very best friend a person could have. But, in addition to His peace, God also gives us each other.

And, if I am honest, I will admit that some days it is still hard… Hard to see my favorite people load up and head out, and I’m still here. It hurts in the morning, and it hurts at some point in the afternoon. I miss them, because they are awesome.

Why am I sharing this? Because I want to put into words something entrepreneurs and remote workers often feel but rarely voice … loneliness.

It can feel very lonely to run a company by yourself or to be an at-home professional … It can feel rather isolating to meet people online only. And, if you’re not careful, it can become very easy to become robotic for the sake of being productive. But, its not good for us. We aren’t made of metal but of flesh, with hearts.

And, here’s the thing: Productivity is important, but you are more than what you can produce. You matter more than the simple efficiency of a perfectly timed meeting. Just because you have grown accustomed to this way of life – of being alone — doesn’t mean you should always be alone. We need people. We are meant to be in fellowship with people. It’s how God designed us.

If you have hit all of your deadlines, made your quotas, and made cool Creative, but you feel alone… it’s time to look up and look out. Find community. Invest in relationships. Find a place where people ask you questions, where they miss you when they don’t see you, where you get hugged. Allow yourself to feel loved. You matter.

If you are a professional woman looking for community, I invite you to join the community that makes me feel loved and reminds me I am not alone – The Rooted Sisters.

Join a small group at a local church. Get to know the people at your gym. Ask your barista about their day. Co-work beside friends. Meet up with colleagues. It matters. It all matters.

Allow yourself to love and to feel loved. We need each other. And you bring something special to the world that God uniquely put in you… Something amazing happens when you show up.

I love you guys… and thank you for loving me. We are not alone. God is with us, and He surrounds each of us with people to hug and encourage— to hug and encourage us too. Look up and get out. Allow yourself to be loved. You matter.

But I Don’t Understand.

I don’t know about you, but I spend a lot of time trying to understand. I care deeply and, as a result, I have always asked a lot of questions.

As a student, I spent additional time underlining, was routinely raising my hand, and even received tutoring to fully understand.

As a young adult in leadership programs, I learned that I should seek to understand before being understood.

As a journalist, I set out to understand what makes people tick, why they do what they do, and how that impacts the world around them.

In church, I have often sat in the front, taking notes to make sure the message stuck.

I have sought to understand how bodies and health work to try and get things right.

In relationships, I have found myself confused and have spent even years trying to understand dynamics, motives, and turning points.

In business, I have researched and combed through information to make sure I fully understand to get it all right.

I always seek to understand what the right thing is to do – by the Bible, by people, in business, and law.

And, many times, I have felt stupid… truly… when I have failed to understand something, whether it was school, work, or otherwise.

Understanding… its something we seek… And the wheels just keep turning and turning as we try to make sense of life and get it all right.

When I have lacked understanding , I have gone into fear… fearing I wasn’t smart enough, experienced enough or strong enough to protect myself, to advance myself or my family.

And, get this… understanding is good. There are proverbs and psalms that teach us to seek understanding, to seek wisdom. But seeking wisdom is different than trying to gain a sense of power by knowing it all or launching into fear and anxiety for not knowing everything.

In fact, while understanding is good, the Bible tells us there is something that surpasses understanding… something greater that trumps it… Something greater that guards us more than getting it all…

In Philippians 4:6-7 it says,

“Do be anxious about anything, but in every situation, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God…

“And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.”

The PEACE OF GOD transcends understanding.

Peace does not come when you have it all figured out. Because you can have an IQ that is sky-high and experience greater than them all, but you will never fully understand, never know it all, never have it all figured out… We simply are incapable of understanding everything. Only God does.

We don’t have all of the answers. So, if we are leaning on our own understanding to have peace, we will never have peace. But, when we lean on God, we will experience peace that surpasses understanding.

“Trust in the Lord with all your heart
and lean not on your own understanding;
in all your ways submit to him,
and he will make your paths straight” (Proverbs 3:5-6).

I don’t know about you, but I get tired of trying to figure it all out — forfeiting peace and sleep just to never fully understand. But, raising my hands and surrendering to God – our Creator King – is absolutely peace-evoking.

I pray that today, both you and I can give our cranking minds a break and just receive the peace of God that transcends our ability to understand. Peace surpasses understanding. And that peace is God’s gift to us, so we can rest in Him, just knowing that He is good and He never slumbers. He is taking care of it all.

God, I love you. Thank you for being so good and for being God over the throne of all, including Lord over my life. I thank you that your peace transcends my ability to understand and that you are the guarder of my heart. I give my heart, as well as all of my concerns, to you today. Thank you for giving me your peace in return. In Jesus’ name, Amen.

Not Disqualified

You may have had a hard season. You may have set out strong and failed. You may have lost. But you are NOT disqualified.

“Being confident of this, that he who began a good work in you will carry it on to completion until the day of Christ Jesus” (Philippians 1:6).

Take the time you need to heal, to breath, to rest, to pray, to bask in the presence of God. Allow Him to speak to you, to download fresh vision, and then make plans to get back out there.

You may not be ready yet, or even for a while, but set your intention to get back on your path. Hope is important. And you can have that hope and assurance knowing that “he who began a good work in you will carry it on to completion.”

Surrender to Him and see how He works. It won’t be like last time… you won’t be holding it up in your own strength if you surrender.

You feel empty right now, but emptied of yourself is the best place to be. Open your hands to Him, give Him the wheel, make Him the lead of your life – every area of your life- and watch what He does. He never fails, and He will never, ever fail you.

Never Alone

God has brought me through so much. He has never left me. He has never abandoned me. I can never thank Him enough. So I’m just not going to stop. I can’t and simply won’t hoard this good news to myself:

Jesus saves. He is the only one and only thing that saves us from the pit and depths of despair, loneliness, trauma, abandonment, grief and failure. Just call out to Him, “Jesus, Help me. I need your help.” And He will help.

God is an ever present help in the time of trouble. And He can put a new song in your heart, fresh vision in your mind, trade joy for despair and dancing for mourning. He is so, so good.

Psalm 46

“God is our refuge and strength,
    an ever-present help in trouble.
Therefore we will not fear, though the earth give way
    and the mountains fall into the heart of the sea,
though its waters roar and foam
    and the mountains quake with their surging.

“There is a river whose streams make glad the city of God,
    the holy place where the Most High dwells.
God is within her, she will not fall;
    God will help her at break of day.
Nations are in uproar, kingdoms fall;
    he lifts his voice, the earth melts.

^”The Lord Almighty is with us;
the God of Jacob is our fortress.

“Come and see what the Lord has done,
    the desolations he has brought on the earth.
He makes wars cease
    to the ends of the earth.
He breaks the bow and shatters the spear;
    he burns the shields with fire.
He says, ‘Be still, and know that I am God;
    I will be exalted among the nations,
    I will be exalted in the earth.’

“The Lord Almighty is with us;
the God of Jacob is our fortress.”

Community Matters

I am a people-person. I love people. I know God made them in His image and created them because of His great love for them. It is important to me to see people — to truly see them, to see their hearts, especially women.

We as women are doing so much — nurturing those in every generation, all at the same time, as we also strive to steward our gifts and our time to work and provide a living, while often times also trying to serve our communities. It is beautiful. It can also be a lot. And we need friendships, community, and encouragement.

I know that, when my time and focus is primarily focused on tasks and deliverables, I am out of alignment with how God wired me. He created me to be an encourager and a listening ear. He has brought me through so very much that I want to comfort others with the comfort He has given me. Yet, my time has barely allowed me to care for myself at times.

And so, for quite some time, the Lord has been working on my heart to be more in alignment with His heart for me — to be in greater community and in deeper fellowship with my sisters in Christ, seeing and hearing their hearts to a greater degree… more than tasks, more than deliverables.

And so, in this season, I know God is up to something — retuning my habits, my focus and my schedule — to put my days back into alignment with my heart and His desire for me. He created me – He created you too – to be in community. He made us to be in relationship with one another.

For me, my community is The Rooted Sisters, a ministry for professional women that I have the blessing of leading. God is up to something amazing in this ministry where professional women gather to study the Word of God, grow in their faith in Christ, and learn to lead others to do the same. It is an honor to put my heart, focus, and energy here. This means stepping back from other projects and tasks to step up here. And it is a beautiful gift to do so.

For the women reading this, who are so craving community, as well, I invite you to join us through Bible Studies, Prayer Meetings, Equipping Webinars, Fellowship Events, the Christian Business Women’s Breakfast, and so much more. These are rich relationships, centered around Christ, where we truly uplift each other.

Standing On Business

My son used to use this phrase, “Standing on business.” It means he has firmly resolved his stance on a matter, his feet are planted, and he will not move. He knows the truth, he knows who he is, and he won’t be tricked.

He has done a lot of work at a young age to get there, and I respect it so much. His resolve gives me courage. It inspires grit in me, because it took until my late 30’s to overcome the intoxication of people-pleasing with popularity as a carrot.

In many ways, I learned this lesson the hard way: Popularity is a master.

Popularity makes people and their fickle preferences your intention. It puts people- many, many people- before God. It creates idols. It puts the leader of the pack on the throne and makes their social customs law in your life.

You cannot serve God and man. You must decide who you will set your intention – your gaze – on… whose customs you will follow. And that will determine your outcome.

At the start of many negative outcomes is a desire to be popular – to be accepted by man. What I have been asked to do in my life to be accepted is defiling – a bending, even a breach, of integrity and a betrayal of self. I will not serve man. I will not take the bait or tilt to the manipulation anymore.

I look at Daniel from the Bible, who would not eat the king’s food because of a conviction and honor to God. Some would ask, “Why not just eat the food? You eat food any way!” Daniel felt convicted. He knew in his heart it was manipulation and that it would defile him.

Daniel knew that fear would give way to sin if answered. And he would not, could not make the king an idol. He would not, could not put anything or anyone on the throne but God Himself. And so, while it may seem like a small concession, it would mean betraying his heart and turning his back on his spiritual convictions, and he would not do that. A heavy price was on the line — his life, but God saw, protected and spared Daniel for obeying him.

When we put Jesus on the throne — Jesus and only Jesus – and not the fear of man, we will most certainly be asked to make concessions by man. They may even ask, “What’s the big deal?” or question why. But you do not answer to man. And you do not have to. You are not obligated to. And knowing this — that you are not obligated to man — is exactly the point.

“What good will it be for someone to gain the whole world, yet forfeit their soul? Or what can anyone give in exchange for their soul?” (Matthew 16:26)

I will serve God only, and I will listen to my conscience as I make decisions. And it may not make sense to others. It might mean I will not gain friendships – even lose some. But I only want what God has marked out for me. And I want no time wasted, appeasing or making concessions for the sake of popularity, as I learned in college (and even since), that in the end… no one will stand by you. Shirk one demand and you are alone, feeling drained and devoid of integrity.

But when I have set my intention on God and have followed His lead, I have felt brave, fulfilled and bare much fruit. And I would rather have one or two good friends who support me in my walk with the Lord and respect my convictions than a crowd of strangers who brand me with temporary approval.

Prayer: God, Help me to chase after you. Help me set my gaze and my intention on you. And may it never wain. With every decision to make, may I hear your voice guiding me louder than the scoffers. And give me the courage and the clarity to follow you each day — to walk the unique and distinct path you have called for my life.

God, You have never, ever failed me. In the rearview, I see now that what felt like loss along the way was your hand of protection. You are Lord of my life, and I give you the reigns. May your voice always be clearer and louder than fear. And may I choose to follow YOUR voice all the days of my life.

Thank you, Father, for loving me and giving me confidence-for giving me companionship, and for protecting me from idols and distractions. In Jesus’ name, Amen.

Guided by Principle

Popularity is a fruitless effort. How could one possibly know what the other is thinking and feeling at all times, let alone a number of people? Does one even know how she or he feels at any moment in time?

Popularity is a waste of time — even a waste of life. Not to mention, boundaries are crossed, responsibilities shifted, and hearts crushed at every turn. It is a journey we have all taken at some point just to find ourselves lonely, hurt, or confused along the way.

I have experienced a lot — ups, downs, and all arounds. And I choose the route of principle. Friendships are beautiful and necessary. Yet, friendships are very different than being or doing what is popular. When you are guided by principle, it will be much easier to select friendships that result in love and growth.

This is what I am teaching to the next generation: When you know who you are, what you stand for, and what you won’t fall for, it means you simply can’t morph. And that is my advice, for any of us at all ages — Don’t morph.

Don’t betray your heart at the chance that you will be accepted one day. That one day might be fun, but I’d rather have a friend who sits with me on my worst day and supports me through it. Thank you to my sweet friends, of all ages and stages, who have done this for me along the way.

You Are More

How do you determine who you are?
Is it based on what you do?
Is it best on how you feel?
Is it based on where you came from?
How you make your living?
Who your friends are?
Where you grew up?
Your professional title?
Your past?
Your physical attributes or abilities?
Your strength and determination?
Is it based on what others think about you?
Is it based on what they think about your kids?
On your relationship with family?
What high school you went to?
What zip code you grew up in?
The brands you wear?
How do you determine who you are?

I have lost jobs and gained them.
I have gained clients and lost them.
I have lost weight and gained it.
I have gained strength and lost it.
I have lost popularity and gained it.
I have moved from anger to love and love to anger.
I have lost family and gained family.
I have lost friends and made them.

I have never lost Jesus.
When all else wained, He never did.
He has always remained the same.
He is the most consistent aspect of life.
He is all eternal. His love is forever.

The most defining and consistent identity marker for me is this: I am a child of God.

Praise be to God who never changes.

“Every good gift and every perfect gift is from above, and comes down from the Father of lights, with whom there is no variation or shadow of turning” (James 1:17).

Great is Thy Faithfulness.

Stella by Starlight: Junie-babe

I grew up in North/Northwest County. When I was born, we lived in Overland. My dad was in the hospital dying, but my Grandpa Jim swooped in and transported him from his hospital to mine last-minute so he could see my birth. The doctors almost didn’t let him in, because of how sick and emaciated he was.

My mom expected to raise my brother and me alone, but God did a miracle and healed my dad and eventually brought him home. But things were tight. My parents didn’t have income, but my grandparents and people from their church blessed them to help with childbirth and food until my dad was able to get back to work. My grandparents were there at my birth and with me nearly every day until they went to heaven.

My dad healed, got back to work, and my parents built a house in St. Charles on Towers. [Both of my parents are extremely hard-working people.] We lived there until I was five, when we moved to Virginia Beach for my mom to attend Regent University and work with the Christian Broadcasting Network.

We moved back after 2nd grade, and we lived with my grandparents – my best friends – until my parents found a house to rent in Maryland Heights just seven minutes away. My grandparents were over every day or we slept over there routinely. If I wanted McDonald’s, they made sure we went. They were always available for everything.

My parents then bought a house in Maryland Heights, where I grew up from 3rd grade through the beginning of my junior year of high school. My parents both worked, so my grandparents took us to school, picked us up from school, we stopped and got snacks afterwards, before going home.

Same with every sport. My grandparents were both avid athletes. They picked us up, attended, and took us home from baseball, soccer, and swim team. Same with our play and musical practices. I swam for Bridgeton for 10 years for the coach my mom and aunts had swam for. My grandparents were literally always on the sidelines cheering and yelling for us. I can hear Grandma yelling, “Go, go, go!” very loudly and vivaciously. lol

My grandpa, who was always at the house, finding something to fix – a way to be there for us – had the temperament of my husband — very calm, steady, hardworking, sharp as a tack, with each sentence he shared holding meaning and bringing peace. He was an angel to me. I needed him as we had some struggles, and he was always there for me.

He taught me “to stay in my own lane,” to “not look to the left or the right” — analogies that worked for competitive swimming, but also to life. He also taught me to “never love something that can’t love you back.” To this day, I could care less about my clothes or the inanimate objects that get donated or pitched.

My grandma celebrated literally everything. When I started puberty, I got an ironed $50 bill in a card, congratulating me for becoming a woman. And every single season and holiday… and even day… was a reason to celebrate. She was full of life and vibrancy.

My grandparents were huge community people. Living in the community of Carrolton Oaks in Bridgeton (since my mom was a baby), they both served in Bridgeton. They were at the Community Center every day, as avid athletes, and they served on boards and committees for Bridgeton.

My grandpa fought the City of St. Louis, with Bridgeton, on the runway that would run through their yard. He fought it for over a decade. [The airport would eventually tear down Carrolton Oaks and evacuate my grandparents and neighbors, but the runway would never be built.]

They helped the Senior Olympics here in St. Louis for at least a decade and took home nearly every single gold. [I saw the myriad and wealth of their metals yesterday.] We got to serve there, with cute outfits, free snacks, and fun mascots. My grandpa played football as a Razorback in college and then was on the squad as a kicker for the Detroit Lions after. My grandma swam a mile every, single day until her 80s.

My grandma was a support to every person in her life — her husband, her children, her grandchildren and her friends. Every Christmas, family from all over the country, would get a green or red calendar with the schedule of holiday events, and the same for Summer Vacation (here in St. Louis), which would include the Arch, the Zoo, Union Station, Grant’s Farm, the Muny, Cardinals games, the Adams’ Mark, Ted Drewes — everything St. Louis and everything American. [She grew up on Arsenal.] She loved musicals, so I do too.

If you said “shut up” or “hate,” you owed a dollar. Her belief was in edification… “let there be peace on earth, and let it begin with me.” She didn’t drink, and she had hilarious alternatives for swear words, like “fooey!” She called the refrigerator “the ice box” and the trash can “the waste basket.” lol

My junior year of high school, my dad would take a job in Milwaukee. It was a no-brainer to my grandparents – I would live with them. I had my own room anyways, and I was always with them. It was settled, it was perfect, and it was one of the very best times of my entire life. I lived with them in Carrolton Oaks until college. [They had to move Freshman year of college because of the airport expansion. Now there are chains, vines, and “No Trespassing” signs off of Natural Bridge where our neighborhood used to be.]

They tutored me. They took me to my orthopedic appointments for my back (and always celebrated with ice cream or lunch after, regardless of the prognosis). They came to any performance, rehearsal, Parents’ Day or Parents’ Weekend at every school including college. My grandma helped plan my wedding. [I had no clue, and I knew she loved all of that stuff. She made it really classy, and most of my cousins were in it. She loved her family fiercely.] She was ALWAYS taking pictures, which is where I get my love for photography.

I’ve spent every holiday with my grandparents, with very rare exceptions as I’ve aged. They have been my second parents my entire life. At moments, my first. I had my grandpa until I was 30, and I had my grandma until now — 43. I am incredibly blessed.

I won’t lie; I have struggled to find joy in moments based on pain-points in my family of origin. I know all families have had problems, and mine has been no exception. But having the spunk and joy of my grandma, the support and devotion from my grandpa, and their solid faith to back me up, it has made all the difference in my life.

Today, I am just relieved and happy for my grandparents. They are with Jesus in heaven, which is designed the way God intended for us to live. Their bodies are whole and so is their joy. And I will be reunited with them too one day.

I have been laying low to prepare for my grandma’s celebration of life and to allow myself some feelings. I’ve determined this — I am the legacy of my grandma… she is the paradigm of the Godly, hard-working, family-oriented woman, and the epitome of a doting wife. She was strong and passionate but the most supportive woman I have ever encountered.

And so, I will bring the joy and the spunk to the world that she taught me to bring, to light this place up with Jesus and His love. Time to chip away at this shell and get to work!

The Christmas Blues: From Joy to Grief & Back Again

As parents – and women, especially – we are natural nurturers. It is how God wired us. This is what motivates us to feed our children, to protect them, keep them safe, healthy, and warm. It also places us smack-dab in the middle of Christmas planning, and dreaming, and shopping, cooking, cleaning, inviting, and… hurting.

Our nurturing spirits say, “Let’s come together. Let’s be together. Is everyone good?” And this is where Christmas, the holidays, can hurt… Because not everything is good. Some are even missing from the table entirely.

Our minds seem to wander back to our childhood, and then the decades between – imagining Christmas trees, and Christmas meals, laughter — even arguments. Our memories are sweet, and they are difficult. As we experience conflicting emotions, it is easy to become perplexed and fatigued.

Our Christmas memories can be good… I see my grandpa’s face, and my grandparents flirting in the kitchen… My grandma hustling and bustling about on Christmas Eve, with matching gifts and stockings for the grandkids, full of popcorn balls, McDonald’s “money”, and real money she ironed before inserting into cards. And I remember Christmas Day at noon when my best friend and I, who lived around the corner, would joyfully swap gift lists over the telephone (with the curly cord), excited because we shared everything. Joyful memories.

Christmas memories can be beautiful, and they can be disappointing. I remember the difficult times in my household, when my parents struggled, and so we all did. As I think back on Christmases of the past, I see people there who I won’t see again this side of heaven, either because they are already there, or because of brokenness within family. And it can hurt, because things have changed.

Maybe you know what I mean. Maybe you see faces there too. Maybe you have lost someone, who has passed on, or miss someone you are now living separately from. Maybe you are grieving the loss of a dream or vision you once had of a spouse or having a child, and it hurts.

And so, this joyful time – adorned with greens & reds, gold & silver, gifts, treats, parties, and the joy of creating memories for our littles – they excite our heads and hearts. And yet, we feel the tension, maybe even manic in moments, at the pain and the joy at play at once.

But here, under the pressure, in the merry-go-round of ups and downs, between joy and grief, we can stop. We can lift our faces to heaven. We can open our arms and our chest to the sky, and we can cry out to God, in surrender, for His help. And, He is there. He is here. He is the center.

Jesus is the center. HE is the real thing. HE is the reason. Amidst the emotional chaos, all things can fall away, fall off. And we can focus on the one thing this season is about, who this life is about – the reason for this season, the reason we are here – Jesus. And He is with us: Immanuel, God with us. Always.As you stop and process, pray and laugh, and even hurt, here is truth we can cling to:

When all of the things have changed, Jesus has not. He never changes.

“Jesus Christ is the same yesterday and today and forever.” (Hebrews 13:8)
And He never leaves us – not ever. He has always been. He will always be.

“The Lord himself goes before you and will be with you; he will never leave you nor forsake you. Do not be afraid; do not be discouraged.” (Deuteronomy 31:8)

When we feel alone in our memories, we can know: We are not alone now, and we were notalone then… I was not alone. My parents were not alone in the pressure. And you were not alone in that moment… in that very moment, because God transcends time. As He is with you now, He was with you then.

“Jesus said to them, ‘Truly, truly, I say to you, before Abraham was, I am.’” (John 8:58)

And so, as we prepare for Christmas – in this day, in this moment, throughout the week – we can have hope, because He is with us, Immanuel. He was with us then. He never changes. He never leaves. And He never will.

So, we can surrender all to Him – All that overwhelms: The past – the things, the people, the relationships lost… Even the present – the expectations, the successes, our failures…We can surrender them all, and fix our eyes on Him – on the baby in the manger, who surrendered His throne to be born in wood from a barn, in a body confined. He came to release us from the pieces, and the confinements of our minds and our lives. He came that we would be free, free from emotional and spiritual pain, free from the curse of death.

And we can even feel peace when our minds wander backwards, knowing He was with us then, as well. We were in His care then; we are now; and we forevermore will be, when we place our trust in Him.

“I pray that God, the source of hope, will fill you completely with joy and peace because you trust in him. Then you will overflow with confident hope through the power of the Holy Spirit.” (Romans 15:13)