loneliness – Sarah Guldalian

The topic we don’t address.

Something that changed for me years ago was the routine and comfort of going into an office.

When the world left to go off to school or work, I had already loaded up, gotten my coffee, greeted my baristas, found my parking spot, unlocked the doors, and welcomed my team. I loved my team.

Yet, some major things changed for me – and then the world shifted, in general – and I began to work primarily from home, alone, with meetings online instead of in-person, where there used to be hugs and handshakes and people who worried if you didn’t show up.

And, at first, it was hard… like, really hard. I felt claustrophobic and sometimes even panic. But, after awhile, I grew more accustomed to it and even saw the practical value and efficiency of it. While I admittedly grew to feel … almost robotic at times… I also came to see how productive I could be.

And, while I’d rather see people than simply be productive, I came to see the real positive it afforded me — more time with my family. And, after awhile, I grew to enjoy it. But, if you aren’t careful, you can let bad in with the good. And, whereas I used to always travel, I grew to rarely leave home.

And, you know — it is okay to be alone sometimes. When God is with you, you can always experience peace. He’s the very best friend a person could have. But, in addition to His peace, God also gives us each other.

And, if I am honest, I will admit that some days it is still hard… Hard to see my favorite people load up and head out, and I’m still here. It hurts in the morning, and it hurts at some point in the afternoon. I miss them, because they are awesome.

Why am I sharing this? Because I want to put into words something entrepreneurs and remote workers often feel but rarely voice … loneliness.

It can feel very lonely to run a company by yourself or to be an at-home professional … It can feel rather isolating to meet people online only. And, if you’re not careful, it can become very easy to become robotic for the sake of being productive. But, its not good for us. We aren’t made of metal but of flesh, with hearts.

And, here’s the thing: Productivity is important, but you are more than what you can produce. You matter more than the simple efficiency of a perfectly timed meeting. Just because you have grown accustomed to this way of life – of being alone — doesn’t mean you should always be alone. We need people. We are meant to be in fellowship with people. It’s how God designed us.

If you have hit all of your deadlines, made your quotas, and made cool Creative, but you feel alone… it’s time to look up and look out. Find community. Invest in relationships. Find a place where people ask you questions, where they miss you when they don’t see you, where you get hugged. Allow yourself to feel loved. You matter.

If you are a professional woman looking for community, I invite you to join the community that makes me feel loved and reminds me I am not alone – The Rooted Sisters.

Join a small group at a local church. Get to know the people at your gym. Ask your barista about their day. Co-work beside friends. Meet up with colleagues. It matters. It all matters.

Allow yourself to love and to feel loved. We need each other. And you bring something special to the world that God uniquely put in you… Something amazing happens when you show up.

I love you guys… and thank you for loving me. We are not alone. God is with us, and He surrounds each of us with people to hug and encourage— to hug and encourage us too. Look up and get out. Allow yourself to be loved. You matter.

But I Don’t Understand.

I don’t know about you, but I spend a lot of time trying to understand. I care deeply and, as a result, I have always asked a lot of questions.

As a student, I spent additional time underlining, was routinely raising my hand, and even received tutoring to fully understand.

As a young adult in leadership programs, I learned that I should seek to understand before being understood.

As a journalist, I set out to understand what makes people tick, why they do what they do, and how that impacts the world around them.

In church, I have often sat in the front, taking notes to make sure the message stuck.

I have sought to understand how bodies and health work to try and get things right.

In relationships, I have found myself confused and have spent even years trying to understand dynamics, motives, and turning points.

In business, I have researched and combed through information to make sure I fully understand to get it all right.

I always seek to understand what the right thing is to do – by the Bible, by people, in business, and law.

And, many times, I have felt stupid… truly… when I have failed to understand something, whether it was school, work, or otherwise.

Understanding… its something we seek… And the wheels just keep turning and turning as we try to make sense of life and get it all right.

When I have lacked understanding , I have gone into fear… fearing I wasn’t smart enough, experienced enough or strong enough to protect myself, to advance myself or my family.

And, get this… understanding is good. There are proverbs and psalms that teach us to seek understanding, to seek wisdom. But seeking wisdom is different than trying to gain a sense of power by knowing it all or launching into fear and anxiety for not knowing everything.

In fact, while understanding is good, the Bible tells us there is something that surpasses understanding… something greater that trumps it… Something greater that guards us more than getting it all…

In Philippians 4:6-7 it says,

“Do be anxious about anything, but in every situation, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God…

“And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.”

The PEACE OF GOD transcends understanding.

Peace does not come when you have it all figured out. Because you can have an IQ that is sky-high and experience greater than them all, but you will never fully understand, never know it all, never have it all figured out… We simply are incapable of understanding everything. Only God does.

We don’t have all of the answers. So, if we are leaning on our own understanding to have peace, we will never have peace. But, when we lean on God, we will experience peace that surpasses understanding.

“Trust in the Lord with all your heart
and lean not on your own understanding;
in all your ways submit to him,
and he will make your paths straight” (Proverbs 3:5-6).

I don’t know about you, but I get tired of trying to figure it all out — forfeiting peace and sleep just to never fully understand. But, raising my hands and surrendering to God – our Creator King – is absolutely peace-evoking.

I pray that today, both you and I can give our cranking minds a break and just receive the peace of God that transcends our ability to understand. Peace surpasses understanding. And that peace is God’s gift to us, so we can rest in Him, just knowing that He is good and He never slumbers. He is taking care of it all.

God, I love you. Thank you for being so good and for being God over the throne of all, including Lord over my life. I thank you that your peace transcends my ability to understand and that you are the guarder of my heart. I give my heart, as well as all of my concerns, to you today. Thank you for giving me your peace in return. In Jesus’ name, Amen.

Not Disqualified

You may have had a hard season. You may have set out strong and failed. You may have lost. But you are NOT disqualified.

“Being confident of this, that he who began a good work in you will carry it on to completion until the day of Christ Jesus” (Philippians 1:6).

Take the time you need to heal, to breath, to rest, to pray, to bask in the presence of God. Allow Him to speak to you, to download fresh vision, and then make plans to get back out there.

You may not be ready yet, or even for a while, but set your intention to get back on your path. Hope is important. And you can have that hope and assurance knowing that “he who began a good work in you will carry it on to completion.”

Surrender to Him and see how He works. It won’t be like last time… you won’t be holding it up in your own strength if you surrender.

You feel empty right now, but emptied of yourself is the best place to be. Open your hands to Him, give Him the wheel, make Him the lead of your life – every area of your life- and watch what He does. He never fails, and He will never, ever fail you.

One Little Word – A Whole Lot of Power

I think we underestimate just how real and how deep the internal struggle has become.

We used to hide behind physical walls, but in this decade, with the opposition and polarity we have encountered, we have withdrawn layers further internally than before. And though we walk the streets and halls in public again, that internal isolation has traveled with us as we walk.

But, do you know that you – a total and complete stranger – have the power to help pull someone out from isolation with a single word? It’s true.

Just saying “hello,” making eye contact, and sharing a smile, reminds a person they are here, they are alive, they are part of a community, and they are seen. This reminds them there is still good in the world, and it is still worth engaging in.

Never would I ever have believed a smile was a risk. But it is in this current world. When you show another human, a stranger, you are willing to take a risk for them, ever so slight as it is, it changes everything. You may as well have stuck your hand into the pit to pull a fellow human out.

Say “hello.” It may encourage a fellow human to hop back into life.

The Christmas Blues: From Joy to Grief & Back Again

As parents – and women, especially – we are natural nurturers. It is how God wired us. This is what motivates us to feed our children, to protect them, keep them safe, healthy, and warm. It also places us smack-dab in the middle of Christmas planning, and dreaming, and shopping, cooking, cleaning, inviting, and… hurting.

Our nurturing spirits say, “Let’s come together. Let’s be together. Is everyone good?” And this is where Christmas, the holidays, can hurt… Because not everything is good. Some are even missing from the table entirely.

Our minds seem to wander back to our childhood, and then the decades between – imagining Christmas trees, and Christmas meals, laughter — even arguments. Our memories are sweet, and they are difficult. As we experience conflicting emotions, it is easy to become perplexed and fatigued.

Our Christmas memories can be good… I see my grandpa’s face, and my grandparents flirting in the kitchen… My grandma hustling and bustling about on Christmas Eve, with matching gifts and stockings for the grandkids, full of popcorn balls, McDonald’s “money”, and real money she ironed before inserting into cards. And I remember Christmas Day at noon when my best friend and I, who lived around the corner, would joyfully swap gift lists over the telephone (with the curly cord), excited because we shared everything. Joyful memories.

Christmas memories can be beautiful, and they can be disappointing. I remember the difficult times in my household, when my parents struggled, and so we all did. As I think back on Christmases of the past, I see people there who I won’t see again this side of heaven, either because they are already there, or because of brokenness within family. And it can hurt, because things have changed.

Maybe you know what I mean. Maybe you see faces there too. Maybe you have lost someone, who has passed on, or miss someone you are now living separately from. Maybe you are grieving the loss of a dream or vision you once had of a spouse or having a child, and it hurts.

And so, this joyful time – adorned with greens & reds, gold & silver, gifts, treats, parties, and the joy of creating memories for our littles – they excite our heads and hearts. And yet, we feel the tension, maybe even manic in moments, at the pain and the joy at play at once.

But here, under the pressure, in the merry-go-round of ups and downs, between joy and grief, we can stop. We can lift our faces to heaven. We can open our arms and our chest to the sky, and we can cry out to God, in surrender, for His help. And, He is there. He is here. He is the center.

Jesus is the center. HE is the real thing. HE is the reason. Amidst the emotional chaos, all things can fall away, fall off. And we can focus on the one thing this season is about, who this life is about – the reason for this season, the reason we are here – Jesus. And He is with us: Immanuel, God with us. Always.As you stop and process, pray and laugh, and even hurt, here is truth we can cling to:

When all of the things have changed, Jesus has not. He never changes.

“Jesus Christ is the same yesterday and today and forever.” (Hebrews 13:8)
And He never leaves us – not ever. He has always been. He will always be.

“The Lord himself goes before you and will be with you; he will never leave you nor forsake you. Do not be afraid; do not be discouraged.” (Deuteronomy 31:8)

When we feel alone in our memories, we can know: We are not alone now, and we were notalone then… I was not alone. My parents were not alone in the pressure. And you were not alone in that moment… in that very moment, because God transcends time. As He is with you now, He was with you then.

“Jesus said to them, ‘Truly, truly, I say to you, before Abraham was, I am.’” (John 8:58)

And so, as we prepare for Christmas – in this day, in this moment, throughout the week – we can have hope, because He is with us, Immanuel. He was with us then. He never changes. He never leaves. And He never will.

So, we can surrender all to Him – All that overwhelms: The past – the things, the people, the relationships lost… Even the present – the expectations, the successes, our failures…We can surrender them all, and fix our eyes on Him – on the baby in the manger, who surrendered His throne to be born in wood from a barn, in a body confined. He came to release us from the pieces, and the confinements of our minds and our lives. He came that we would be free, free from emotional and spiritual pain, free from the curse of death.

And we can even feel peace when our minds wander backwards, knowing He was with us then, as well. We were in His care then; we are now; and we forevermore will be, when we place our trust in Him.

“I pray that God, the source of hope, will fill you completely with joy and peace because you trust in him. Then you will overflow with confident hope through the power of the Holy Spirit.” (Romans 15:13)

A Time for Grace

\\ a call for reconciliation among people //
_

I really want you to change. You are hurting my feelings, and it is breaking my heart. And, as you do, a crust forms around my heart, slowly hardening it, one layer at a time.

Perhaps I will just wear it like armor. It will become a fortress around my heart and keep me safe so you cannot get in. But why does it still hurt?

Ah… I don’t like it. It doesn’t feel right. It feels wrong. This isn’t me at all. Something is very, very wrong here. But will it ever change…? Will you ever change? How can I make you change?

[epiphany] I m u s t c h a n g e.

… For just as I am faced with your aggression, so are you encountering mine. And as we meet, we mirror and we match, and unfortunately, we grow… puffed up with ego and pride to protect our broken hearts.

But we are the same. We have the same hurt… and when we hurt each other, we heap hurt upon ourselves too. After all, we were both made by God, made equal in His eyes. For He loves you as much as He loves me. We together are His children — brothers and sisters.

We are a mirror… your hurt like mine. But I do not want to mirror your aggression, nor should you mirror mine. If we grow, let it be in good. If we accelerate let it be with peace.

What if we start over… and we try on grace?
But how do we begin?

Ah… I will start… for when I do, you will encounter grace, and I will feel peace for I will be the me I was created to be. And grace has a way of spreading, and loosening, and softening those who are near.

So, yes, today I will change. I will put on grace, and I pray that you see it. Far more than you see it, I hope that you will feel it… that you loosen, that you soften, that you experience the good side of me… when I am no longer puffed up with pride but swelling with love.

And perhaps when you do, you will put down your sword… and after awhile, maybe you will find you are safe. And when you have, perhaps we will speak instead of shout… listen instead of lecture… love instead of blame.

And perhaps we will get back on track. And we will both live the lives we were called to live.

Yes. Today I will try on grace.

Shapeless

Shapeless – the word I recently used to describe my life lately: Toggling back and forth so quickly I can’t keep up… Striving to serve others yet feeling invisible in the process… Constantly learning how to support so many and all at one time… Flowing from old-hat skills to the entirely new and back again in seconds with no time to process… Not feeling stellar at anything.

The sheer number of things coming my way, expectations on me (both given and internal) and the level of responsibility pulling at me… they seem constant. With ever-changing schedules and roles, I have found myself emotionally and spiritually exhausted. My heart desires to give more than I am able, and that hurts. Perhaps you have found yourself in a similar place?

I am a proponent for schedules – tight and clear ones, roles with clarified lanes and responsibilities, and boundaries – honoring where I end and others begin. In doing so, I usually feel – at least in some measure – in control of my life. Boundaries give me leverage to manufacture margin. This allows me to put my time where my heart is. Lately, I have felt as though my margin is cloudy. And so I know there are areas where I need revelation, clarity, and healing to move into the future with effectiveness, spiritually and emotionally.

It is important we self-manage. It is important to us all. After all, we will be held responsible for where our time, resources, and gifts go. Though we may feel a victim to expectations, we will be held responsible for outcomes… And so, we must do what it takes to once again put shape to our lives, to manage and steward them well, even as we protect our relationships. I have learned this in difficult ways in times past. And I have since done the work to get there, to manage my life. It took a lot of work but resulted in fruit. I can tell I need to do the work once again.

My personality profiles reveal I am an extroverted introvert. I am individualistic, with a need to unpack, process, and dream on my own for a bit. Yet, side-by-side is a desire to belong to a tribe moving effectively together into that future, doing hard things together. And that may be most difficult of all at this time: Relationships have changed, and I often feel like I am doing hard things alone.

I have lost a relationship in my life that has meant more to me than I could describe, and it breaks my heart. I pray God redeems it. In the meantime, I often ache over it and simply don’t know what to do. Have you ever experienced that? Helplessness and loss? I often find myself confused, knowing the enemy has meddled for years causing chaos and confusion. Yet, in my own strength, I don’t know how to clarify, to purify things. Shapeless. Confusing. Heart breaking.

And, unfortunately, in the midst of it all, in this season called “The Sandwich Generation,” friends have fallen away. I know this can happen in this season, where we strive to help aging parents and children and manage our careers, yet I still find it strange and sad, especially as I care about each one. So I ache in that gap. Have you ever been here? Some of you are there right now.

But here is where I must pause… as a person who has seen the Lord do good and overcome in surprising ways in my life again and again. Here I must rebuke the enemy, that liar, the devil. He would love to convince me, to convince any of us, that we are alone. The Bible says he has made it his job to meddle in the earth, amongst us, to “kill, steal, and destroy.” The enemy clouds our thinking, blocking our view of the multitude of blessings, and creating a fixation in us on the point of pain.

Yet, I am a follower of Jesus… Jesus, the Savior, who tells us, “I came to give life—life in all its fullness” (John 10:10). And His Word is true. Everything He has said will be. Everything He offered in the Bible is available today, for He never changes. That full life, that abundant life, is right here, in our grasp, right in front of us.

Life is confusing. It can be painful. Loneliness knocks at our door. People hurt us. We hurt and sabotage ourselves. News headlines frighten us. Situations turn out differently than we expected, and we wonder why… Was it them? Or was it me? Will it change? Will I? We all do it. We all ache, and we all ponder. But we must not settle into the ache.

Jesus has an outstretched arm, extending a full and abundant life to us, even now, even in the midst of pain. And He has won. Jesus has the victory over darkness, over loneliness, over confusion, and over heartbreak. He has the victory in the world and within us, when we invite Him in.

We who put our faith in Jesus will have the victory. That victory doesn’t come when all of the broken situations are perfectly fixed. Some situations, even relationships, may just float away, as hard as that is. We may never get the apology or reconciliation we long for. Yet, we can still heal, and still overcome, by leaning into Jesus in these moments of trial – in all moments. “You, dear children, are from God and have overcome them, because the one who is in you is greater than the one who is in the world” (1 John 4:4). We can overcome it all… the exhaustion and weariness, for we are of God, and He is greater than it all.

If you too have been aching in this season, please remember this – it may be most important of all: You are not alone. “The Lord is close to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit” (Psalm 34:18). He has been there for me through thick and thin, pulling me out of despair, replacing ashes with beauty, and depression with joy. And He will do it again. He is doing it now.

What can we do during difficult seasons?

Talk to Jesus.

“Draw near to God, and he will draw near to you” (James 4:8).

Literally, where you are, just start talking to Jesus. He is real. He is there. He cares about the smallest thing and the biggest thing, and He will respond by bringing peace and clarity in your spirit.
Catch and release.

“We tear down arguments and every presumption set up against the knowledge of God; and we take captive every thought to make it obedient to Christ” (2 Corinthians 10:5).

If a thought enters that is painful, condemning, depressing or hopeless, catch it and throw it out. We may not have control of every thought that pops into our heads, but we can control how long they stay there.
Find a friend.

“Therefore encourage one another and build one another up, just as you are doing” (1 Thessalonians 5:11).

Meet a friend for lunch, or coffee, or on Zoom. Talk about what you are going through and hear what they are experiencing. Share friendship.

If you have recently lost friends, find a new friend and invest in that person. We all need friends. Many of us feel lonely. Put yourself out there. It will bless you and them.
Find a counselor.

“Therefore confess your sins to each other and pray for each other so that you may be healed. The prayer of a righteous man has great power to prevail” (James 5:16).

Find a counselor, someone who understands the importance of spiritual healing (from the Holy Spirit of God). Tell them everything. We all need a safe place to fully unload and fully process our burdens. Just getting it all out can be incredibly freeing. The enemy feeds on us in isolation, when we are alone and seemingly in the dark. But the Holy Spirit brings in fresh air and healing when we reveal what was in the dark in the light.
Receive prayer.

“Is anyone among you sick? Let them call the elders of the church to pray over them and anoint them with oil in the name of the Lord” (James 5:14).

Find a church. Ask for prayer. If you are experiencing a spirit of rejection, oppression, physical or emotional pain, ask them to lay hands on you and pray for you to be released of that. You deserve to walk in freedom, whether that is emotional or physical healing. Jesus died for you to be free.
Read the Bible.

“For the word of God is alive and active. Sharper than any double-edged sword, it penetrates even to dividing soul and spirit, joints and marrow; it judges the thoughts and attitudes of the heart” (Hebrews 4:12).

Admission: It can be hard for me to read an entire book of the Bible. That’s me. But I NEED THE WORD. I need truth! I need to know what God says to combat the lies of the enemy. I need to have the power and weapon of His truth ready to fight off the enemy. So I open my Bible app in the morning and read a few verses at a time. It is life-giving.
Go for a walk. Get sleep. Drink water.

We have physiological needs that must be fulfilled to feel our best. We are meant to move and to sleep. Exercising is something that helps me, yet I do not do it enough. With the cool, crisp air of fall, I am going to make it a point to go out and enjoy myself this fall.
Do something nice for yourself.

Buy the pumpkin latte. Go for a walk through the mall. Visit the restaurant you’ve been meaning to try. Take a hike in that beautiful park. Get your nails done. Go for a bike ride. Get a fresh notebook. Take your spouse somewhere special.

We matter. God’s love for us abounds. He has good for us. The situations we are in will change. There is always hope for change. He is working behind the scenes on our behalf. His Word tells us again and again.

If you have been struggling like I have, join me in praying this out loud…

Prayer

God, I need you. I cannot do any of this on my own. I confess I have sins I hide and pain I protect. I pray that you would remove these burdens from me in Jesus’ name. They are too heavy for me, I confess, and I need your help.

Jesus, I need you. I need saving. I cannot figure my way out of this on my own. I am in over my head. Thank you for dying in my place, to pay the price for my sin and to give me fullness and freedom of life. Please save me and give me hope. I receive your hope, I receive your wholeness, in Jesus’ name.

I pray that you would direct my path. I don’t know what I am doing. Show me where to go and when, what to say “no” to and how, what relationships to invest in, and where I need to forgive. Please help me forgive others and myself.

I give it all to you. Please have your way in my life, in Jesus’ name, Amen.

The Path Leading to Nowhere

Are you looking for God? Or are you looking for yourself?

If you are looking for yourself, apart from God, get ready for a painful and confusing ride. Let’s face it: Apart from Him, we have no idea who we are, and the exercise of “finding ourselves” is nothing more than a wild goose chase.

So many factors influence our thoughts and feelings daily from lack of sleep and fluctuating hormones, to more deeply-woven issues such as unforgiveness or pure selfishness, to fear influenced by powerful, external voices or the incessant drip of media.

For example:

Observing a beautiful person wearing a high-end outfit can be enough to change our whole course of existence, moving us to a wealth-motivated mentality, when viewed through a lens of jealousy.
Receiving a compliment from a person of clout could be enough to move us into an accomplishment, achiever mentality, where we begin putting tasks before people, when ego lies beneath the surface.
A raging desire to be known can convince us we are more talented or deserving than others, justifying us to push anyone out of our way, at any cost, to gain access to the lime light.
Unaddressed pain can move us into paranoia, chipping away at our view of those we can trust, altering how we relate to others and respond to situations, even how we view God.

If you are looking for yourself, you have joined me in a painful, embarrassing ride. Elevating self is a part of our sinful nature, yet it is a hollow journey that can lead to confusion, depression, and broken relationships. And my, how I continue to find myself in this position, even at my age. (Yeesh!)

Perhaps you are like me, and you have learned you cannot do this: You cannot “find yourself” apart from your creator. Apart from Him, I have no idea who I am or what I am supposed to do. I am like a reed blowing in the wind. Yet, when anchored in Christ, reading the Bible (God’s letter to us), we will no longer be confused by our own fickle, selfish nature, but we will know what is true, what is right, and how to accomplish every good work. [Check out 2 Timothy 3:16-17.]

If you are exhausted and found yourself caught in the midst of confusion (once again), quit trying to find yourself, and find God. What is He up to? Where is He leading you? How is He beckoning you into His work of redemption? Going where He goes and becoming a part of His movement is the place where we will find fulfillment, contentment, peace, and joy.

After all, we have been made in the likeness, in the image, of God, as His children. When we find Him, we find ourselves… we find our home, we find our calling, we find our peace.

Prayer

Dear Lord, I have done it again. I made it all about me. In my selfishness, insecurity, or ego, I made it all about me again. I went on a journey to find myself. Yet, I acknowledge I am nothing apart from you. Please help me follow you. Please help me know where to go and when. Help me to follow you in your work. Help me do my part – the part you created me to do. And please forgive me for trying to figure it out on my own. My ego is a problem, and I ask you to forgive me, correct me and put me back on course. Thank you for loving me through this journey and always. I love you, Lord, and I repent. In Jesus’ name, Amen.

Forever Present

You were called by God to do the things God called you to do. You don’t always get to call it. And sometimes that is hard. And sometimes that is lonely. But I have found that Jesus is always there – wherever you are, even when you feel withdrawn and like you are nowhere at all. He is there.

And that is the thread… Jesus is the thread that weaves throughout our experiences, seasons and moments, that feel so painful, and joyful, and fragmented and robust. He is always there.

Whether you were called to be in your family, or you were called to a certain vocation, called to be the strong and silent, the loud and pioneering, or you were called to turn pain into compassion… the calling can feel lonely at times. But Jesus is always. Jesus is everywhere. Jesus is. He is with you, wherever you find yourself, plant yourself or end up by accident.

Look for Him. He is always there – wherever you are right now… in your lowest moment, your highest moment, in the darkness or in the light. Look for Him. He is omnipresent: present everywhere.

I feel a little low this week, but that is okay, because I know He is here. And His presence turns the low to high and the dark to light. Just knowing He is there makes anywhere okay.