healthy boundaries – Sarah Guldalian

Ready to Compete

I have learned something important from my son, an avid athlete, that I want to share:

When it comes to being an athlete, you do your research, put together your strategy, and put in the hard work to prepare. Then you lock in, and you execute.

My son puts in hours of hard work every single day from lifting, cardio, and nutrition to watching film and planning plays. There is a reason for this: Because, on game day, he does not want a ribbon simply for showing up. He wants to win.

If he does not do well in a game, a race, a match, or a play, he does not want concessions. He does not want me to patronize him as his mother. He did not put in all of that work simply for physical gains. Instead, he put in all of the hard work to win as a result of his preparation. So, if he does not win, he learns.

In these moments, he takes the time to look at what part of his strategy or execution did not succeed and where it went wrong. Then he sharpens his body and mind for the next game, race, or match. And, by facing the truth of failure in order to sharpen himself to win, he is getting stronger and better daily.

With his goal of winning set before him, he submits every plan to that goal to rise up into it. He is a warrior – on the field, at the gym, and also in his faith. And each of us, whether athletically gifted or not, are warriors on the spiritual battle field when we are Christ followers. We are spiritual athletes, running a race.

In 1 Corinthians 9:24-25, Paul writes, “Do you not know that in a race all the runners run, but only one gets the prize? Run in such a way as to get the prize. Everyone who competes in the games goes into strict training. They do it to get a crown that will not last, but we do it to get a crown that will last forever.”

Earthly gains are no gain at all. We do not show up to the race to get a participation award – just short-lived recognition for this life. Just as my son does not put in all the hard work for a temporal physique but to win on the field, we as Christians should compete to win the crown that lasts – eternal victory.

In Philippians 3, Paul writes, “But whatever were gains to me I now consider loss for the sake of Christ. What is more, I consider everything a loss because of the surpassing worth of knowing Christ Jesus my Lord, for whose sake I have lost all things. I consider them garbage, that I may gain Christ and be found in him, not having a righteousness of my own that comes from the law, but that which is through faith in Christ—the righteousness that comes from God on the basis of faith.”

The eternal win is to gain Christ, to be found in Him, and to put on His righteousness.

He continues on saying, “Not that I have already obtained all this, or have already arrived at my goal, but I press on to take hold of that for which Christ Jesus took hold of me.”

And, lastly, he exhorts us in this, “Brothers and sisters, I do not consider myself yet to have taken hold of it. But one thing I do: Forgetting what is behind and straining toward what is ahead, I press on toward the goal to win the prize for which God has called me heavenward in Christ Jesus.”

Just as an athlete cannot dwell on their past victories or failures in the midst of the big game — they must have their head in the game — we too must be alert and ready!

Like physical athletes, we must…

Do our research.
- Study the Word of God, know what is true, and what is a lie.
- Become aware of the enemy’s tactics
Put together our strategy.
- We must be on the offense, putting together our playbook, not just responding to or reacting to what comes our way.
- We learn about our armor – the Armor of God, described in Ephesians 6:10-18 – to learn what weapons are available to us in God’s power and how to use them.
Put in the hard work to prepare.
- We must guard our hearts, minds, and our time. We must put in what is healthy and remove what is toxic. This includes toxic influences from media to unhealthy relationships.
Lock in.
- We must fix our eyes on Jesus – the author and perfecter of our faith.
- We must fix our eyes on the goal – being called heavenward to Him, and walking in His righteousness in the here and now as He calls us to be like Him on this earth.
Execute!
- We must fight the good fight of faith! We must accept even the difficult truth God gives us and the difficult steps He shows us to execute as He calls us to.
- And, one of the most difficult but important lessons I have had to learn is this: Just as you do not help the opposing team win, we must not help the enemy win by simply dancing around, “responding,” or backing down. When the enemy uses people, don’t help them! Stand strong in the face of opposition. And use the Word of God – the truth – as your weapon!

Get ready! This is a big game, and you are more than a conqueror!

Struck Down but NOT Destroyed

God can handle our questions. He can handle our emotions – in a way that others cannot. He can handle our anger. But, let’s be clear, God is not our opponent. The devil is, and he is busy.

GOD is our greatest Advocate, our Protector.

Don’t waste your time fighting God on what He is revealing and directing you towards in your life. Though the realities can be uncomfortable, His clarity – shining truth in darkness – is His protection on our lives for now and for eternity.

God is your ally. Pay attention. Listen in. Lean in. He knows the way forward to victory.

The devil is our opponent here. Fight the enemy and the spiritual warfare he is trying to throw your way.

The enemy tries to crush us. He tries to throw us into utter despair. He is trying to destroy us. He is a thief, doing anything he can to rob us of our peace and confidence, to attempt to bully us out of our calling, out of hope itself.

But, here comes JESUS…

Jesus said, “The thief comes only to steal and kill and destroy; I have come that they may have life, and have it to the full” (John 10:10).

Jesus is the LIFE-bringer. The enemy wants to take life out! (The good news is: JESUS WINS!)

The Bible acknowledges the reality of darkness in this world, where the enemy is wreaking havoc. The Bible describes the enemy as a lion, attempting to feast on our minds in a war for our souls. After all, he has already lost eternity because Jesus conquered death and made a way back to the Father for us!! So he is doing all he can to dim our light.

But never forget this:

“When the enemy shall come in like a flood, the Spirit of the Lord shall lift up a standard against him” (Isaiah 59:19)!

GOD IS STRONGER! He WINS!

We are given the very Spirit of God to dwell within us when we invite Jesus to be the Lord of our life, and this gives us POWER! Never forget this!

Yet, as we operate in this life, we must have COURAGE to stand up in the face of opposition and SPEAK TRUTH – the truth of the Word of God – even if it starts in the voice of a quiver. Speaking the name of Jesus is the power itself!

In 2 Corinthians 4:8-10, it says,

“We are hard pressed on every side, but not crushed; perplexed, but not in despair; persecuted, but not abandoned; struck down, but not destroyed.”

You might be pressed.
You may be perplexed.
You might be persecuted.
You may even be struck down.

But, you are NOT crushed.
You are not in despair.
You are abandoned.
And you certainly are NOT destroyed!

Father God is POWERFUL, and He is with you, in you, and for you! He has created you in HIS powerful image! So you ARE strong!

The situations and circumstances that the enemy has been throwing your way will be redeemed by God. I am believing and speaking that. Speak it too!

“It is written: ‘I believed; therefore I have spoken.’ Since we have that same spirit of faith, we also believe and therefore speak, because we know that the one who raised the Lord Jesus from the dead will also raise us with Jesus and present us with you to himself.

“All this is for your benefit, so that the grace that is reaching more and more people may cause thanksgiving to overflow to the glory of God. Therefore we do not lose heart!” (2 Corinthians 4:13-16).

Have COURAGE, speak the WORD, and do not lose heart!

The enemy has worked on overtime lately trying to distract and bully me to shut me up. I have been learning that I need to put a better guard on my heart and what I allow in my head, but I will not muzzle my mouth from sharing the message God has given me to share — the Word of God.

NOPE! Not giving in. This is a spiritual battle, and I am not losing, because I have JESUS and the the TRUTH of God’s Word!

We must remember, in battle, you don’t dance or “respond.” You charge ahead!

We, as Christians, put on the armor of God with a spirit of true righteousness that comes from total submission to the Kingship of Jesus! [Learn about the Armor of God in Ephesians 6:10-18.]

Submit your situation to Jesus! God will redeem your situation and use it for your advancement and growth. I receive that too!

He is the good in our life. He, in fact, is synonymous with Good. He is unable to act outside His character, and His very nature is GOODness. He is synonymous with Love.

So, get mad at the devil. Do not let him win. Do not roll over. Do not shut up. Speak Jesus. And receive His power. Clothe yourself in the courage we have in Him, and KEEP GOING!

Are You Stewarding Your Gifts Well?

God has given each of us different gifts. When you hear that, what do you think?

“For sure! I am good at this but not at that… Please don’t ask me to do that!”
“Wow! It is so cool how God wires us differently and brings us together to be effective!”
“That is just a backdoor way of letting me down, saying I’m not capable in a certain area.”

More times than I can count, I have been thrown into situations, relationships, and positions that are just not me. From one angle, I can see why they may have thought that. Yet, when push comes to shove, I am not that person, I am not comfortable in that situation, and not only will I be unhappy, I will be stressed to the max.

Perhaps they thought I would be a good endorser or representative for their cause or brand, but I did not align. Perhaps they thought I would excel in that particular professional position, but aspects of that position would choke me. Perhaps it was a relationship in which they thought I was capable of fulfilling something I was not.

Has this ever happened to you? I am sure it has, where you have been pushed to be something you are not or pulled on to provide something you cannot. You felt the tension in that gap – stress from that expectation. And, how did you handle it?

When you love people and strive to be open to the thoughts of others, this internal tension can be incredibly confusing: “Why does that image or expectation of me not feel good? Why does it not align with who I feel I am? Why do I feel anxious, even angry?”

When I was younger, I would attempt to step into expectations created for me – socially and professionally – to see if the pressures being applied were something I should rise into. I would wonder, Is that something I should push myself to do, or is this inner turmoil something to heed?

More often than not, I would lean into – instead of away from – that pressure with a “fake it ‘til you make it” mentality to not let them down. Yet, in doing so, I ended up faking it into hot water, in over my head, or fulfilling their need while depleting myself into depression. I have since learned to say, “no.” I have also had to train myself to lay boundaries when the pressure is notched up.

The older I get and the more I have come to know myself – to know the way God has wired me – I have come to appreciate what I am good at and what I am not. And, those things I am good at – gifts God has given me – I have learned to take more seriously. I have recognized that these are gifts God has entrusted me to steward, and I must protect them. Likewise, I have learned that, when I give into external pressures, doing things that are not me, not only do I become unsettled, I become a poor steward of my gifts because I have starved my gifts by feeding distractions.

So, there it is – I feel safety, clarity, and fulfillment knowing the Lord has given me certain gifts and not others, so I can say “no” when asked to do those other things. It makes things clear for me. [And I usually recommend someone else who is good at those things with my “no.”]

But then, because our resources are limited – especially the resource of time – there is more yet to consider like, where do I share these gifts – my talents and time? And where do I not?

Life runs pretty fast. Requests and expectations are thrown at us with applied pressure every, single day. This is where personal mission comes in. We must seek the Lord in prayer and time in the Word to ask why He has given us these gifts and where we can best honor Him by using them.

With limited resources of time, energy, and finances, we want to be sure we know (or remember):

What are my gifts? (And what are perceived gifts that I am not called to steward.)
Where am I called to share these gifts? (And where am I not called to share these gifts?)

Then get really clear on how you will respond when pressure is applied in order to guard and guide your gifts and resources to make sure you are used by God, living out your calling, and stewarding your gifts well.

One thing I have noticed over time is that, when we are running fast for a long time with a lot of requests and external pressures, it is important to get a tune up – a reminder of what our gifts truly are so we can lean into them, sharpen them, and wisely direct them.

Likewise, when we are reminded of who we are, we are reminded of who we are not. And this makes it so much easier for us to stop and say a firm “Yes” or a firm “No,” that we can feel good about.

If you resonate with this, I encourage you to do a couple of things that I have done (and am continuing to do):

1. Take a test like the CliftonStrengths 34, which shows you your top 5 – 10 strengths (and also shows what is at the bottom of your strengths). [I do this every few years.]

2. Take time to review those results in order to recognize (or remember) and then lean into your gifts, and to give yourself permission to quit exerting your energy to trying to shore up your weaknesses.

3. Decide how this changes your daily life – what do you need to begin saying “no” to in order to say “yes” to using the gifts God has given you? And who are you called to apply these gifts towards?

4. Practice saying, “No.” This may mean coming up with one or two lines that honor the requester but lay a firm boundary. [Consider other resources to recommend of people/groups who are experts in the area they are asking you to fill.]

5. Then, focus! Don’t continue saying “no” to the same thing. Once you graciously said it, it’s time for you to move on to your yeses and allow others to manage their own emotions.

At the end of the day, the Lord will call us to account for the gifts He has given us to steward. And, in order to live out the calling God has placed on our lives, we must be responsible to stay awake and alert to reserve our “yes”es for Him and be ready to say, “no,” to distractions.

Guard Your Flame

If you have read my writing for a while, you know I have spent years learning about and sharing on the importance of boundaries. Today, I want to share one of the reasons boundaries are so important, especially as it relates to living out your God-given calling.

Most of us grew up singing (or have heard) the song, “This little light of mine,” written in the 1920s. It originated from Matthew 5:14-16 and has now been taught and sung by children for over a century. The chorus goes like this:

“This little light of mine, I’m going to let it shine; Oh, this little light of mine, I’m going to let it shine.” Many recall the second verse, which says, “Hide it under a bushel? No! I’m going to let it shine.” I want to focus on the third verse, which says, “Don’t let Satan blow it out! I’m gonna let it shine.”

Since being tiny kids, we were taught these important lessons:
1. We are called by God to be light.
2. We need to guard that light.

The foe wants to put our light out any way he can. As life goes on, we very really see how the enemy sends gusting winds to try to blow out our light. We see how he sends in oppressive darkness to try and overwhelm it.

Thankfully, we as Christians know that “a light shines in the darkness, and the darkness has not overcome it” (John 1:5). Yet, if we begin to care more about what other people think than what God tells us to do, we will unplug from our light source and can easily be snuffed out.

This is where boundaries come into the picture: One of the ways the enemy works to put our light out is by smothering it.

In Ephesians 6:12, the Bible tells us that the war we sense all around us is a spiritual battle. It says that we war not against flesh and blood but against rulers and principalities. Yet, the enemy can use people as a tool in an attempt to smother us to try to take our light.

Here’s why: When we shine the light of Christ, the enemy is threatened. He will do anything to make your light fade — anything to minimize, even eliminate, your effectiveness. One tactic I have seen him use is sending people into our life to smother us. And when we get smothered, we get overwhelmed. It is a physiological response.

And when we get overwhelmed, we get distracted from our calling, applying our full focus there, striving to find clarity in confusion, just to find breath again. This is why it is so important to be on to the enemy’s schemes and to both know and firmly maintain clear boundaries — to protect our peace and protect our calling.

Through years of experience and taking steps to gain strength through the Word of God, guidance from the Holy Spirit, healing in counseling, and knowledge from authors like Dr. Henry Cloud, here is what I have learned:

When people become comfortable blowing past your boundaries, you need to create distance. That is not to say we are not gracious as we set boundaries with people, as there is some understanding that must first be set. Yet, when I see a trend of someone overstepping my boundaries time and again, I become aware of the enemy’s schemes as well as their comfort with it.

If you have been in this situation – this smothering – you are aware of the darkness that attempts to set in and rob you of your time, your peace, and your own free will. That is not the Spirit of God. Jesus Himself gives us a choice to receive Him, because of His true love for us, and He is God!

When people blow past your boundaries, pay attention to that. When they attempt to force themself and their motivations onto you in a way that wastes your time, robs you of your peace, and distracts you from your calling, pay attention to that! If you bring it to their attention, they receive your boundaries and adapt, that is awesome! That happens in relationships. If you bring it to their attention and they do not, there is your answer. Waste no more time or emotion. Ask the Lord to take care of them, and continue forward with your God-given calling.

After all, you are called by God to steward the resources He has gifted you of time and focus. How you choose to use that is between you and God. We are accountable to God. Someone who attempts to slide into the place of God in your life is a counterfeit that does not belong.

It is imperative we are aware of the enemy’s schemes here and that we work to stay away from that darkness — that we protect our light. Because the Bible tells us to have nothing to do with the fruitless deeds of darkness, but rather to expose it (Ephesians 5:11). And there is no playing around here. There is no dipping your toe in to stay “good” with people, whose actions are attempting to snuff out your light, without you being affected by the dark. We must guard ourselves in order to walk in and remain in the light of Christ. That means moving on from some relationships.

Go into this ready that the enemy will try to then heap guilt on you in the form of sentimentality and loyalty. The foe will attempt to warp your sense of reality around that relationship as you look back to make you feel guilty, get sucked back in, and get distracted, and trapped, to get off of your calling. Don’t. Stand firm, rooted in the Lord.

I say this, because I have also learned about our own weakness in this process: In many cases, it is our own pride that keeps us in toxic relationships. We do not want to be unliked. We do not want to skew their perception of us. We do not want our reputation tarnished by not living up to others expectations of us. Yet, that pride and fear can throw us completely off course from the life God has called us to.

Do what is needed to stay in the light. Say the hard thing. Create your distance. Hold firm to your boundaries. And do not take responsibility for the emotions of others that do not belong to you. Pray for them, and release it. Their problems are not your problems, and they are above your “pay grade.” Bring them to the Lord, leave them there, and then continue on your path.

We must look to God only – Father, Son & Holy Spirit. When we do, He will remove us from unhealthy relationships and place us in healthy, fruit-producing relationships. He will give us the steps to love people well — not overly, not under — love without compulsion.

Learn to listen for and obey the Lord when He tells you to keep on walking. It may not make sense to you at the time, and it may even make you “look bad” to those who don’t understand. But this is where we choose to trust and obey God, who will always keep us on course inside His will when we look to Him.

On my journey towards laying and maintaining my boundaries, I have also learned this: It is hugely important to have the right people around you in order to live out the plans and purposes God has for your life. The kind of people I am describing are those who respect the boundaries you lay, because they genuinely care about and respect you and want to see you succeed.

Guard your heart, even your circle. Find the people who submit to God and respect the boundaries you lay. Do the same for others. And keep on shining!