Sarah Guldalian

You Don’t Need Permission.

You don’t owe them an explanation for where you ended up.

Have you been playing and replaying scenarios in your mind to feel clearance or permission to step into your future – to step out where you know God is calling you? Some of us have selective hearing for fear of what others may think. (A person’s face may even come to mind.)

Don’t look backwards for some imaginary permission. Your life belongs to no one but God and to you. And He is merciful, forgiving, empowering, and emboldening.

You owe no one a signature to sign off on your life or moving ahead in your calling. The more tethered you feel – the more obligated, the more determined you must be to rise above, to keep on going, and to run YOUR race set out before YOU. Keep running!

About Jesus, they said, “Does any GOOD come from Nazareth?” (The irony of it is, Jesus Himself was the human expression of good.) And look at His example: He did not need their permission to live out His mission, to take the steps needed to accomplish His goal. He didn’t have their permission, and He didn’t need it. He kept on course. He went from town to town, doing GOOD and healing all who were oppressed by the devil. Jesus faced opposition, and He kept doing good.

Jesus was wise. He didn’t chart His own path. He didn’t lean on His own goodness. When called “The Good Teacher,” He said, “Why do you call me good? Only God is truly good” (Jesus’ words from Luke 18:19). He did as His Father told Him: “I tell you the truth, the Son can do nothing by himself; he can do only what he sees his Father doing, because whatever the Father does the Son also does. For the Father loves the Son and shows him all he does” (Jesus’ words from John 5:19).

Jesus went where He was told, and He left when He was told, saying “For my time has not yet come.” He came to do good and to accomplish GOOD. And He was going to use the wisdom coupled with the innocence He called His disciples to when He sent them out, being “wise as a serpent, innocent as a dove” (Jesus’ words from Matthew 10:16).

You do not need permission from those in your past to step into the good future God has called you to. To be like Jesus, you only need Father God’s voice guiding you, telling you where to go and when to leave. To do the good He is calling you to, you need only HIS permission. We need a sensitivity to hear His voice above all the rest and COURAGE to live in boldness, like the Lion of Judah, balanced with the humility to be like the Lamb, Jesus, as HE leads.

Go and do good. Go and do the good God has set apart for your life, for your future!

One Little Word – A Whole Lot of Power

I think we underestimate just how real and how deep the internal struggle has become.

We used to hide behind physical walls, but in this decade, with the opposition and polarity we have encountered, we have withdrawn layers further internally than before. And though we walk the streets and halls in public again, that internal isolation has traveled with us as we walk.

But, do you know that you – a total and complete stranger – have the power to help pull someone out from isolation with a single word? It’s true.

Just saying “hello,” making eye contact, and sharing a smile, reminds a person they are here, they are alive, they are part of a community, and they are seen. This reminds them there is still good in the world, and it is still worth engaging in.

Never would I ever have believed a smile was a risk. But it is in this current world. When you show another human, a stranger, you are willing to take a risk for them, ever so slight as it is, it changes everything. You may as well have stuck your hand into the pit to pull a fellow human out.

Say “hello.” It may encourage a fellow human to hop back into life.

The Christmas Blues: From Joy to Grief & Back Again

As parents – and women, especially – we are natural nurturers. It is how God wired us. This is what motivates us to feed our children, to protect them, keep them safe, healthy, and warm. It also places us smack-dab in the middle of Christmas planning, and dreaming, and shopping, cooking, cleaning, inviting, and… hurting.

Our nurturing spirits say, “Let’s come together. Let’s be together. Is everyone good?” And this is where Christmas, the holidays, can hurt… Because not everything is good. Some are even missing from the table entirely.

Our minds seem to wander back to our childhood, and then the decades between – imagining Christmas trees, and Christmas meals, laughter — even arguments. Our memories are sweet, and they are difficult. As we experience conflicting emotions, it is easy to become perplexed and fatigued.

Our Christmas memories can be good… I see my grandpa’s face, and my grandparents flirting in the kitchen… My grandma hustling and bustling about on Christmas Eve, with matching gifts and stockings for the grandkids, full of popcorn balls, McDonald’s “money”, and real money she ironed before inserting into cards. And I remember Christmas Day at noon when my best friend and I, who lived around the corner, would joyfully swap gift lists over the telephone (with the curly cord), excited because we shared everything. Joyful memories.

Christmas memories can be beautiful, and they can be disappointing. I remember the difficult times in my household, when my parents struggled, and so we all did. As I think back on Christmases of the past, I see people there who I won’t see again this side of heaven, either because they are already there, or because of brokenness within family. And it can hurt, because things have changed.

Maybe you know what I mean. Maybe you see faces there too. Maybe you have lost someone, who has passed on, or miss someone you are now living separately from. Maybe you are grieving the loss of a dream or vision you once had of a spouse or having a child, and it hurts.

And so, this joyful time – adorned with greens & reds, gold & silver, gifts, treats, parties, and the joy of creating memories for our littles – they excite our heads and hearts. And yet, we feel the tension, maybe even manic in moments, at the pain and the joy at play at once.

But here, under the pressure, in the merry-go-round of ups and downs, between joy and grief, we can stop. We can lift our faces to heaven. We can open our arms and our chest to the sky, and we can cry out to God, in surrender, for His help. And, He is there. He is here. He is the center.

Jesus is the center. HE is the real thing. HE is the reason. Amidst the emotional chaos, all things can fall away, fall off. And we can focus on the one thing this season is about, who this life is about – the reason for this season, the reason we are here – Jesus. And He is with us: Immanuel, God with us. Always.As you stop and process, pray and laugh, and even hurt, here is truth we can cling to:

When all of the things have changed, Jesus has not. He never changes.

“Jesus Christ is the same yesterday and today and forever.” (Hebrews 13:8)
And He never leaves us – not ever. He has always been. He will always be.

“The Lord himself goes before you and will be with you; he will never leave you nor forsake you. Do not be afraid; do not be discouraged.” (Deuteronomy 31:8)

When we feel alone in our memories, we can know: We are not alone now, and we were notalone then… I was not alone. My parents were not alone in the pressure. And you were not alone in that moment… in that very moment, because God transcends time. As He is with you now, He was with you then.

“Jesus said to them, ‘Truly, truly, I say to you, before Abraham was, I am.’” (John 8:58)

And so, as we prepare for Christmas – in this day, in this moment, throughout the week – we can have hope, because He is with us, Immanuel. He was with us then. He never changes. He never leaves. And He never will.

So, we can surrender all to Him – All that overwhelms: The past – the things, the people, the relationships lost… Even the present – the expectations, the successes, our failures…We can surrender them all, and fix our eyes on Him – on the baby in the manger, who surrendered His throne to be born in wood from a barn, in a body confined. He came to release us from the pieces, and the confinements of our minds and our lives. He came that we would be free, free from emotional and spiritual pain, free from the curse of death.

And we can even feel peace when our minds wander backwards, knowing He was with us then, as well. We were in His care then; we are now; and we forevermore will be, when we place our trust in Him.

“I pray that God, the source of hope, will fill you completely with joy and peace because you trust in him. Then you will overflow with confident hope through the power of the Holy Spirit.” (Romans 15:13)

There Is Hope

There is hope for us – for all of us.
The most messed-up of us.
The hurt, the broken, the shamed.
The isolated, lost, & afraid.
The emotionally-decimated of us.

We have wandered.
We have strayed.
We have lost heart and faith.

We have made our own way.
It hasn’t worked.
We know… And it hurts.

We have hidden away, slipped away…
Hidden our hopes, our dreams,
even our sense of dignity.

But we can come out of hiding,
And return to the Lord,
Just as we are –
As messed up, lacking
and sinful as we are.

We must face the facts.
Waste no more precious time.
There is no pulling ourselves up…
No “snapping out of it” that sticks…
No “getting over it” that heals…

We simply can’t do it.
We can’t fix ourselves.
And we can’t fix each other.

But, there is hope.
There is hope for you.
There is hope for us.
There is hope for me.
No matter the situation…
When we come to Him…
When we draw near to God,
To our Father and Creator.

God is our healer.
He is the healer.
Healing begins the moment you return to Him.
No reason to wait, or shave or cleanse.

Come to Him now, right where you are.
Hang up your hurt, and put on hope…
Experience isolation drift away
as His Spirit comforts you.

Give away your broken pieces,
And receive wholeness.
Find your way again… yourself again,
As you were created – in love – to be.

There is hope – for you and for me.

Out-of-Body Experience

For the Pioneers

I have always been pioneering – thinking, seeing, dreaming into the future. Sometimes I can see myself, see my family, in that place… a place of effectiveness on a grand scale, a spiritual standing ground, a place of impact or influence for the kingdom of God and in the marketplace. I can see it.

And in those moments, those gifts of a moment, where the Lord has gifted me with a vision, I sometimes get too excited, to rambunctious, where impatience sets in. I begin to see a gap – from where I am now to where I will be then.

And in that moment, in that gap, when you are at F on the map and God shows you L, it is far to easy to quickly scramble to create a plan to get there… when you see the result but have not yet been given the road map on getting from F to G and then from G to H.

The pioneering person can see the future so clearly at moments that it is as if you are having an out-of-body experience, and you must run to catch up with yourself. It can feel as though you have lost yourself to the future, and you must go on a quest to meet there.

But I have learned (and will probably learn some more) to not set off running to that place, even as beautiful as the vision may be, without first getting the road map from God. For, far too often, I have set off running only to find myself living somewhere in between where I was never intended to reside. God had L for me but I’m living in the land of J, even seemingly trapped, because I lacked the patience and fed the impulsivity to run ahead without getting God’s road map for the journey. And J was only ever meant to be a hotel stay, no place to reside.

And let’s think about those places, those in-between places… Think about the timing of a thing. When you land in a place really matters. For, at a certain time you will encounter different people and different circumstances then you might 20 minutes later… and all of these things matter. God uses people, He uses relationships, He uses circumstances to form us, to shape us, to develop us, to prepare us, even transform us, into the person we saw in the vision.

And the kind of relationships that we want – ones that are healthy, where iron sharpens iron – are found at a certain time in a certain place. Think about it: Meeting someone at 2 pm daylight is different than meeting someone at 2 am in the middle of the night. The people at those times will be different types of people. And what I truly want is to meet my 2 pm relationships, the circumstances with sunlight… I want to only step foot and tread ground where God tells me to and when. And so, I must trust Him for the entire journey.

The difference between who I am now and the person I see in the vision is transformation. And there are no short cuts for transformation. The Holy Spirit is the author and we must yield.

And so, when gifted with a vision, with the beauty of this thing, I must thank God for the vision. And I must temper my impatience to sit where I am until He tells me to go. And then, I must be willing to go at the pace He sets, even if its inching like a turtle rather than stampeding like a rhino.

For visions – grand, holy visions – are not ours. They are Gods. And for those visions to come to pass, we must do things God’s way. And so we must look to Him as the compass. We must stop in our tracks when we are lost and wait for our Father. We must temper the wild abandon that sets us off running, and tell our nervous systems to submit to the will of God and the direction of the Holy Spirit.

For then we will reserve our energy and our focus and our gaze for the things God is focused on and gazing at. And we will see His purposes come to pass in our life, in our lifetime.

Pioneer, Fight the urge to run. You are here… you are now… for a reason. He will show you where to go and when. And when He says, “Go,” do it His way.

A Time for Grace

\\ a call for reconciliation among people //
_

I really want you to change. You are hurting my feelings, and it is breaking my heart. And, as you do, a crust forms around my heart, slowly hardening it, one layer at a time.

Perhaps I will just wear it like armor. It will become a fortress around my heart and keep me safe so you cannot get in. But why does it still hurt?

Ah… I don’t like it. It doesn’t feel right. It feels wrong. This isn’t me at all. Something is very, very wrong here. But will it ever change…? Will you ever change? How can I make you change?

[epiphany] I m u s t c h a n g e.

… For just as I am faced with your aggression, so are you encountering mine. And as we meet, we mirror and we match, and unfortunately, we grow… puffed up with ego and pride to protect our broken hearts.

But we are the same. We have the same hurt… and when we hurt each other, we heap hurt upon ourselves too. After all, we were both made by God, made equal in His eyes. For He loves you as much as He loves me. We together are His children — brothers and sisters.

We are a mirror… your hurt like mine. But I do not want to mirror your aggression, nor should you mirror mine. If we grow, let it be in good. If we accelerate let it be with peace.

What if we start over… and we try on grace?
But how do we begin?

Ah… I will start… for when I do, you will encounter grace, and I will feel peace for I will be the me I was created to be. And grace has a way of spreading, and loosening, and softening those who are near.

So, yes, today I will change. I will put on grace, and I pray that you see it. Far more than you see it, I hope that you will feel it… that you loosen, that you soften, that you experience the good side of me… when I am no longer puffed up with pride but swelling with love.

And perhaps when you do, you will put down your sword… and after awhile, maybe you will find you are safe. And when you have, perhaps we will speak instead of shout… listen instead of lecture… love instead of blame.

And perhaps we will get back on track. And we will both live the lives we were called to live.

Yes. Today I will try on grace.

Shapeless

Shapeless – the word I recently used to describe my life lately: Toggling back and forth so quickly I can’t keep up… Striving to serve others yet feeling invisible in the process… Constantly learning how to support so many and all at one time… Flowing from old-hat skills to the entirely new and back again in seconds with no time to process… Not feeling stellar at anything.

The sheer number of things coming my way, expectations on me (both given and internal) and the level of responsibility pulling at me… they seem constant. With ever-changing schedules and roles, I have found myself emotionally and spiritually exhausted. My heart desires to give more than I am able, and that hurts. Perhaps you have found yourself in a similar place?

I am a proponent for schedules – tight and clear ones, roles with clarified lanes and responsibilities, and boundaries – honoring where I end and others begin. In doing so, I usually feel – at least in some measure – in control of my life. Boundaries give me leverage to manufacture margin. This allows me to put my time where my heart is. Lately, I have felt as though my margin is cloudy. And so I know there are areas where I need revelation, clarity, and healing to move into the future with effectiveness, spiritually and emotionally.

It is important we self-manage. It is important to us all. After all, we will be held responsible for where our time, resources, and gifts go. Though we may feel a victim to expectations, we will be held responsible for outcomes… And so, we must do what it takes to once again put shape to our lives, to manage and steward them well, even as we protect our relationships. I have learned this in difficult ways in times past. And I have since done the work to get there, to manage my life. It took a lot of work but resulted in fruit. I can tell I need to do the work once again.

My personality profiles reveal I am an extroverted introvert. I am individualistic, with a need to unpack, process, and dream on my own for a bit. Yet, side-by-side is a desire to belong to a tribe moving effectively together into that future, doing hard things together. And that may be most difficult of all at this time: Relationships have changed, and I often feel like I am doing hard things alone.

I have lost a relationship in my life that has meant more to me than I could describe, and it breaks my heart. I pray God redeems it. In the meantime, I often ache over it and simply don’t know what to do. Have you ever experienced that? Helplessness and loss? I often find myself confused, knowing the enemy has meddled for years causing chaos and confusion. Yet, in my own strength, I don’t know how to clarify, to purify things. Shapeless. Confusing. Heart breaking.

And, unfortunately, in the midst of it all, in this season called “The Sandwich Generation,” friends have fallen away. I know this can happen in this season, where we strive to help aging parents and children and manage our careers, yet I still find it strange and sad, especially as I care about each one. So I ache in that gap. Have you ever been here? Some of you are there right now.

But here is where I must pause… as a person who has seen the Lord do good and overcome in surprising ways in my life again and again. Here I must rebuke the enemy, that liar, the devil. He would love to convince me, to convince any of us, that we are alone. The Bible says he has made it his job to meddle in the earth, amongst us, to “kill, steal, and destroy.” The enemy clouds our thinking, blocking our view of the multitude of blessings, and creating a fixation in us on the point of pain.

Yet, I am a follower of Jesus… Jesus, the Savior, who tells us, “I came to give life—life in all its fullness” (John 10:10). And His Word is true. Everything He has said will be. Everything He offered in the Bible is available today, for He never changes. That full life, that abundant life, is right here, in our grasp, right in front of us.

Life is confusing. It can be painful. Loneliness knocks at our door. People hurt us. We hurt and sabotage ourselves. News headlines frighten us. Situations turn out differently than we expected, and we wonder why… Was it them? Or was it me? Will it change? Will I? We all do it. We all ache, and we all ponder. But we must not settle into the ache.

Jesus has an outstretched arm, extending a full and abundant life to us, even now, even in the midst of pain. And He has won. Jesus has the victory over darkness, over loneliness, over confusion, and over heartbreak. He has the victory in the world and within us, when we invite Him in.

We who put our faith in Jesus will have the victory. That victory doesn’t come when all of the broken situations are perfectly fixed. Some situations, even relationships, may just float away, as hard as that is. We may never get the apology or reconciliation we long for. Yet, we can still heal, and still overcome, by leaning into Jesus in these moments of trial – in all moments. “You, dear children, are from God and have overcome them, because the one who is in you is greater than the one who is in the world” (1 John 4:4). We can overcome it all… the exhaustion and weariness, for we are of God, and He is greater than it all.

If you too have been aching in this season, please remember this – it may be most important of all: You are not alone. “The Lord is close to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit” (Psalm 34:18). He has been there for me through thick and thin, pulling me out of despair, replacing ashes with beauty, and depression with joy. And He will do it again. He is doing it now.

What can we do during difficult seasons?

Talk to Jesus.

“Draw near to God, and he will draw near to you” (James 4:8).

Literally, where you are, just start talking to Jesus. He is real. He is there. He cares about the smallest thing and the biggest thing, and He will respond by bringing peace and clarity in your spirit.
Catch and release.

“We tear down arguments and every presumption set up against the knowledge of God; and we take captive every thought to make it obedient to Christ” (2 Corinthians 10:5).

If a thought enters that is painful, condemning, depressing or hopeless, catch it and throw it out. We may not have control of every thought that pops into our heads, but we can control how long they stay there.
Find a friend.

“Therefore encourage one another and build one another up, just as you are doing” (1 Thessalonians 5:11).

Meet a friend for lunch, or coffee, or on Zoom. Talk about what you are going through and hear what they are experiencing. Share friendship.

If you have recently lost friends, find a new friend and invest in that person. We all need friends. Many of us feel lonely. Put yourself out there. It will bless you and them.
Find a counselor.

“Therefore confess your sins to each other and pray for each other so that you may be healed. The prayer of a righteous man has great power to prevail” (James 5:16).

Find a counselor, someone who understands the importance of spiritual healing (from the Holy Spirit of God). Tell them everything. We all need a safe place to fully unload and fully process our burdens. Just getting it all out can be incredibly freeing. The enemy feeds on us in isolation, when we are alone and seemingly in the dark. But the Holy Spirit brings in fresh air and healing when we reveal what was in the dark in the light.
Receive prayer.

“Is anyone among you sick? Let them call the elders of the church to pray over them and anoint them with oil in the name of the Lord” (James 5:14).

Find a church. Ask for prayer. If you are experiencing a spirit of rejection, oppression, physical or emotional pain, ask them to lay hands on you and pray for you to be released of that. You deserve to walk in freedom, whether that is emotional or physical healing. Jesus died for you to be free.
Read the Bible.

“For the word of God is alive and active. Sharper than any double-edged sword, it penetrates even to dividing soul and spirit, joints and marrow; it judges the thoughts and attitudes of the heart” (Hebrews 4:12).

Admission: It can be hard for me to read an entire book of the Bible. That’s me. But I NEED THE WORD. I need truth! I need to know what God says to combat the lies of the enemy. I need to have the power and weapon of His truth ready to fight off the enemy. So I open my Bible app in the morning and read a few verses at a time. It is life-giving.
Go for a walk. Get sleep. Drink water.

We have physiological needs that must be fulfilled to feel our best. We are meant to move and to sleep. Exercising is something that helps me, yet I do not do it enough. With the cool, crisp air of fall, I am going to make it a point to go out and enjoy myself this fall.
Do something nice for yourself.

Buy the pumpkin latte. Go for a walk through the mall. Visit the restaurant you’ve been meaning to try. Take a hike in that beautiful park. Get your nails done. Go for a bike ride. Get a fresh notebook. Take your spouse somewhere special.

We matter. God’s love for us abounds. He has good for us. The situations we are in will change. There is always hope for change. He is working behind the scenes on our behalf. His Word tells us again and again.

If you have been struggling like I have, join me in praying this out loud…

Prayer

God, I need you. I cannot do any of this on my own. I confess I have sins I hide and pain I protect. I pray that you would remove these burdens from me in Jesus’ name. They are too heavy for me, I confess, and I need your help.

Jesus, I need you. I need saving. I cannot figure my way out of this on my own. I am in over my head. Thank you for dying in my place, to pay the price for my sin and to give me fullness and freedom of life. Please save me and give me hope. I receive your hope, I receive your wholeness, in Jesus’ name.

I pray that you would direct my path. I don’t know what I am doing. Show me where to go and when, what to say “no” to and how, what relationships to invest in, and where I need to forgive. Please help me forgive others and myself.

I give it all to you. Please have your way in my life, in Jesus’ name, Amen.

Jim Jordan

This week feels hard: It’s been 10 years since my Grandpa Jim went to heaven, 10 years since I last spoke with him here on earth. He was my best buddy and my advocate, my stability in what otherwise felt chaotic. He was loyal and strong, funny and kind. I always knew I was safe near him, and he was always a phone call and seven-minute-drive away.

He drove me to and picked me up from private school, golf practice, swim practice, and soccer practice, and gave me snack money that always looked ironed. And, oh, how he was patient. He would patiently wait in his car as long as it took for me to chat it up and say my goodbyes to all my friends. And he was always happy to see me, even if he’d been sitting in his car waiting for an hour. Patience described him. He was slow and steady but strong and athletic.

He always made himself available and patiently sat by to support me however I needed it: He came over to help me clean my room or change my oil. He tutored me in math from Cs to A+s. He was an amazing golfer and coached me, no matter my lack of progress.

He and my grandma were a precious and hilarious duo. He was the calm to her spunk. He told slightly off-colored jokes to get a rise out of her, and she never disappointed with her high-pitched, “Jim!” His jack-o-lantern smile at her response was glorious. He pushed her buttons in ways that entertained them both and all of us.

I admired their love and loyalty greatly. They had a partnership revolving around “mutual respect,” as my grandma would describe it, and matchless love.

They supported their daughters and grandkids with an intuitive and exciting love. Something was always planned and everything was a celebration. They didn’t think twice letting me live with them for a couple years when my dad’s job moved him to Milwaukee. And I had a blast watching my grandpa sneak Hershey bars out of the pantry out to the garage when my grandma wasn’t looking.

My grandpa was deeply compassionate. I had a tough go of it, especially in 5th through 7th grades, with issues at home and a back brace that attracted negative attention wherever I went. He always stood up for me against bullying, even against taunting siblings and cousins.

He told me he ate coffee ground sandwiches as a kid and lived in the back of a post office when his dad died, leaving his mom with four growing boys. He stood in the relief line waiting for bread while school kids mocked him. His empathy meant he always found the unlikely friend in a crowd. He would sit down beside them, no matter the economics or ethnicity. He was the common man and wanted everyone to feel seen and peaceful.

Though he grew up poor, he went on to serve in the navy, play football as a Razorback, and with the Detroit Lions practice squad. He became a respected engineer, building the largest furnace in that time. He was a devoted church elder and engaged member of their community.

He gave us all a good life, but he always said, “Don’t love something that can’t love you back.” He taught me so many short, memorable phrases about honoring God, people, and yourself, and lots of hilarious jokes. He wanted me to remember how much he loved me.

I got him for 30 years. The last thing he said to me before he went on to heaven was, “I love you more than your husband,” and chuckled. He just wanted to make sure he always held a piece of my heart when he moved on so I remembered I was always loved and never alone. I married someone just like him and have a marriage similar to my grandparents. Oh, how blessed I am for my Grandpa Jim.

I miss you, Pops. I’ll see you forever one day. Love, “Sissy”

On being reunited with loved ones…

“Brothers and sisters, we do not want you to be uninformed about those who sleep in death, so that you do not grieve like the rest of mankind, who have no hope. For we believe that Jesus died and rose again, and so we believe that God will bring with Jesus those who have fallen asleep in him. According to the Lord’s word, we tell you that we who are still alive, who are left until the coming of the Lord, will certainly not precede those who have fallen asleep. For the Lord himself will come down from heaven, with a loud command, with the voice of the archangel and with the trumpet call of God, and the dead in Christ will rise first. After that, we who are still alive and are left will be caught up together with them in the clouds to meet the Lord in the air. And so we will be with the Lord forever” (1 Thessalonians 4:13-17).

The Weight of Trust

“I know that I can trust you… I know that I can trust you… I know that I can trust you…” These are the first three lines of a worship song I was listening to yesterday by United Pursuit, a band I love. I just had the Pandora station on rotation, but hearing these lines stopped me in my tracks.

I’m not used to saying these words. I mean, how many people can you really say that to? Some people have a hard time saying, “I love you.” I don’t. I have always loved people. I love being around them. I gain energy from them. And I love encouraging them.

I grew up in a church with pastors who, when you ran into them at the mall, even after a long time, would always tell you they love you. And they truly meant it. Their kindness showed, and it felt like love radiating through them. They were an awesome example of loving others and always letting them know.

But trust… trusting people… oh my. I have some work to do there. Clearly some healing is needed. And oddly, when you come to learn that you can’t trust people you thought you could, you lose trust in yourself. You lose trust in your own discernment. And then a wall of protection forms. The problem is, that wall keeps the good out too.

As I hear the words, “I know that I can trust you,” I stop, I listen, and I feel. And I am saddened by the baggage I bring to new relationships, that it takes me so long and such depth of interaction to even slightly trust others. I have work and healing to do there. Maybe you do too.

Trust is weighty. Trust bares the responsibility of integrity with consistency. Trust bares the weight of care, to care more about me than about the interesting conversation you could have about me for 10 minutes with someone else.

For me, trust means being safe even when you are angry. It means loving me outside of what brand I’m representing, what amount of money I make or where I choose to place it. Trust means you assume the best about me even when you hear the worst. It means being who you said you were last year this year. And so it is hard to trust because, after all, people are people, full of hurt, pain, and trust issues of their own.

I hope one day I will trust people more, that I will go deeper quicker. I believe I will because God is a healing God. And lately He has introduced me to more people who deserve to be trusted. And wow, that is a gift. It has shown me that I need to heal, and people are worth pulling my wall down for.

But the truth is, we all mess up, every single one of us. Even the saints of us sin and fall because we bare human flesh. Others will let us down… those very close to us. And we will let ourselves down. As much as we want them to be trustworthy, we too will fail. It is hard for each of us is human after all.

Yet, we can fully and wholly trust God. He always has our best in mind. He always gives. And He never changes. His love towards us never changes. When we trust Him, we will never regret it.

God always overdelivers. He always gives us more love, more abundance, forgiveness and goodness than we deserve when we put our trust in Him. No one can ever talk Him out of loving us or even liking us.

We can trust Him – fully and wholly trust Him. He will always love us. He will never leave us. He always helps us, no matter what the topic or issue, large or small. We can trust Him because He knows all, His ways are best, and He always has our best at heart.

Prayer

I come to you, Lord, trusting you with all that I am and all that I have. Sometimes it feels like very little if only a hot mess. And I need your help… to have courage to put my heart back out there without a wall around it, to trust you for wisdom and discernment and protection and healing as I do, as I seek to go deeper with others.

I know that I can trust you… I know that I can trust you… And that you will help me. In Jesus’s name, amen.

The Path Leading to Nowhere

Are you looking for God? Or are you looking for yourself?

If you are looking for yourself, apart from God, get ready for a painful and confusing ride. Let’s face it: Apart from Him, we have no idea who we are, and the exercise of “finding ourselves” is nothing more than a wild goose chase.

So many factors influence our thoughts and feelings daily from lack of sleep and fluctuating hormones, to more deeply-woven issues such as unforgiveness or pure selfishness, to fear influenced by powerful, external voices or the incessant drip of media.

For example:

Observing a beautiful person wearing a high-end outfit can be enough to change our whole course of existence, moving us to a wealth-motivated mentality, when viewed through a lens of jealousy.
Receiving a compliment from a person of clout could be enough to move us into an accomplishment, achiever mentality, where we begin putting tasks before people, when ego lies beneath the surface.
A raging desire to be known can convince us we are more talented or deserving than others, justifying us to push anyone out of our way, at any cost, to gain access to the lime light.
Unaddressed pain can move us into paranoia, chipping away at our view of those we can trust, altering how we relate to others and respond to situations, even how we view God.

If you are looking for yourself, you have joined me in a painful, embarrassing ride. Elevating self is a part of our sinful nature, yet it is a hollow journey that can lead to confusion, depression, and broken relationships. And my, how I continue to find myself in this position, even at my age. (Yeesh!)

Perhaps you are like me, and you have learned you cannot do this: You cannot “find yourself” apart from your creator. Apart from Him, I have no idea who I am or what I am supposed to do. I am like a reed blowing in the wind. Yet, when anchored in Christ, reading the Bible (God’s letter to us), we will no longer be confused by our own fickle, selfish nature, but we will know what is true, what is right, and how to accomplish every good work. [Check out 2 Timothy 3:16-17.]

If you are exhausted and found yourself caught in the midst of confusion (once again), quit trying to find yourself, and find God. What is He up to? Where is He leading you? How is He beckoning you into His work of redemption? Going where He goes and becoming a part of His movement is the place where we will find fulfillment, contentment, peace, and joy.

After all, we have been made in the likeness, in the image, of God, as His children. When we find Him, we find ourselves… we find our home, we find our calling, we find our peace.

Prayer

Dear Lord, I have done it again. I made it all about me. In my selfishness, insecurity, or ego, I made it all about me again. I went on a journey to find myself. Yet, I acknowledge I am nothing apart from you. Please help me follow you. Please help me know where to go and when. Help me to follow you in your work. Help me do my part – the part you created me to do. And please forgive me for trying to figure it out on my own. My ego is a problem, and I ask you to forgive me, correct me and put me back on course. Thank you for loving me through this journey and always. I love you, Lord, and I repent. In Jesus’ name, Amen.