God has given each of us different gifts. When you hear that, what do you think?
- “For sure! I am good at this but not at that… Please don’t ask me to do that!”
- “Wow! It is so cool how God wires us differently and brings us together to be effective!”
- “That is just a backdoor way of letting me down, saying I’m not capable in a certain area.”
More times than I can count, I have been thrown into situations, relationships, and positions that are just not me. From one angle, I can see why they may have thought that. Yet, when push comes to shove, I am not that person, I am not comfortable in that situation, and not only will I be unhappy, I will be stressed to the max.
Perhaps they thought I would be a good endorser or representative for their cause or brand, but I did not align. Perhaps they thought I would excel in that particular professional position, but aspects of that position would choke me. Perhaps it was a relationship in which they thought I was capable of fulfilling something I was not.
Has this ever happened to you? I am sure it has, where you have been pushed to be something you are not or pulled on to provide something you cannot. You felt the tension in that gap – stress from that expectation. And, how did you handle it?
When you love people and strive to be open to the thoughts of others, this internal tension can be incredibly confusing: “Why does that image or expectation of me not feel good? Why does it not align with who I feel I am? Why do I feel anxious, even angry?”
When I was younger, I would attempt to step into expectations created for me – socially and professionally – to see if the pressures being applied were something I should rise into. I would wonder, Is that something I should push myself to do, or is this inner turmoil something to heed?
More often than not, I would lean into – instead of away from – that pressure with a “fake it ‘til you make it” mentality to not let them down. Yet, in doing so, I ended up faking it into hot water, in over my head, or fulfilling their need while depleting myself into depression. I have since learned to say, “no.” I have also had to train myself to lay boundaries when the pressure is notched up.
The older I get and the more I have come to know myself – to know the way God has wired me – I have come to appreciate what I am good at and what I am not. And, those things I am good at – gifts God has given me – I have learned to take more seriously. I have recognized that these are gifts God has entrusted me to steward, and I must protect them. Likewise, I have learned that, when I give into external pressures, doing things that are not me, not only do I become unsettled, I become a poor steward of my gifts because I have starved my gifts by feeding distractions.
So, there it is – I feel safety, clarity, and fulfillment knowing the Lord has given me certain gifts and not others, so I can say “no” when asked to do those other things. It makes things clear for me. [And I usually recommend someone else who is good at those things with my “no.”]
But then, because our resources are limited – especially the resource of time – there is more yet to consider like, where do I share these gifts – my talents and time? And where do I not?
Life runs pretty fast. Requests and expectations are thrown at us with applied pressure every, single day. This is where personal mission comes in. We must seek the Lord in prayer and time in the Word to ask why He has given us these gifts and where we can best honor Him by using them.
With limited resources of time, energy, and finances, we want to be sure we know (or remember):
- What are my gifts? (And what are perceived gifts that I am not called to steward.)
- Where am I called to share these gifts? (And where am I not called to share these gifts?)
Then get really clear on how you will respond when pressure is applied in order to guard and guide your gifts and resources to make sure you are used by God, living out your calling, and stewarding your gifts well.
One thing I have noticed over time is that, when we are running fast for a long time with a lot of requests and external pressures, it is important to get a tune up – a reminder of what our gifts truly are so we can lean into them, sharpen them, and wisely direct them.
Likewise, when we are reminded of who we are, we are reminded of who we are not. And this makes it so much easier for us to stop and say a firm “Yes” or a firm “No,” that we can feel good about.
If you resonate with this, I encourage you to do a couple of things that I have done (and am continuing to do):
1. Take a test like the CliftonStrengths 34, which shows you your top 5 – 10 strengths (and also shows what is at the bottom of your strengths). [I do this every few years.]
2. Take time to review those results in order to recognize (or remember) and then lean into your gifts, and to give yourself permission to quit exerting your energy to trying to shore up your weaknesses.
3. Decide how this changes your daily life – what do you need to begin saying “no” to in order to say “yes” to using the gifts God has given you? And who are you called to apply these gifts towards?
4. Practice saying, “No.” This may mean coming up with one or two lines that honor the requester but lay a firm boundary. [Consider other resources to recommend of people/groups who are experts in the area they are asking you to fill.]
5. Then, focus! Don’t continue saying “no” to the same thing. Once you graciously said it, it’s time for you to move on to your yeses and allow others to manage their own emotions.
At the end of the day, the Lord will call us to account for the gifts He has given us to steward. And, in order to live out the calling God has placed on our lives, we must be responsible to stay awake and alert to reserve our “yes”es for Him and be ready to say, “no,” to distractions.
Sarah Guldalian 