Forgiveness. It is a hard topic. Your stomach may be churning just seeing the word.
This past weekend, I had the opportunity to speak about forgiveness at a women’s conference. I shouldn’t have been surprised by the attack I felt leading up to it. After all, the last thing the enemy wanted was for 100 women to experience spiritual breakthrough. Yet, Jesus always wins, because greater is HE that is in us than he that is in the world.
Forgiveness is paramount to restoration — to freedom. If you have been locked in the hurt, pain – even torment – of unforgiveness, the Lord wants you free. When we surrender to Jesus, we can forgive, and we can experience newness of life. I want to share this message with you in hopes that you too will begin to experience breakthrough from forgiveness.
Forgiveness is spiritually sacred.
It is the reason Jesus came to earth.
Forgiveness was the rescue plan.
But the enemy does not want you free. He wants you in bondage. So he works and works to keep you emotionally, spiritually, and mentally chained to a person who hurt you. Why? Because, if he can keep you trapped in unforgiveness, you will waste time and energy – maybe even your whole life – thinking, stewing, and worrying about that person who hurt you more than you fix your eyes on God. Doing so can keep you from your entire call here on earth — to love God and love your neighbor (Matthew 22).
Forgiving is one of the most necessary verbs or actions in life. It is not optional.
Why? The moment each of us was born into this world, we became subjected to the fall. We became sinners. No exclusions. We began to hurt people and to be hurt by people. The Bible says, “There is no difference between Jew and Gentile, for all have sinned and fall short of the glory of God” (Romans 3:23).
There is literally no way around being hurt. And therefore, there is no getting around forgiveness. Even if you try to avoid people most of the time, there is still YOU. You hurt God, and you hurt yourself. (So do I.)
There are no innocent sins. There is always collateral-damage with sin. Sin is not God’s design. It separates us from Him.
When we sin, shame sets in – a weight we were never designed to carry. It makes us hide – from the light, from others, even from ourselves. Think about Adam and Eve in the Garden: Up until the point they ate the forbidden fruit, they had been communing with God daily. Yet, when they sinned, they became ashamed, and they hid from Him.
We are ashamed of the choices we have made that have hurt us and hurt others. We feel the weight of our sin — There is a price to pay for sin. Romans 6:1 says, “For the wages of sin is death, BUT the gift of God is eternal life in Christ Jesus our Lord.”
Our response to feeling that weight of sin might be shame. Or, it might be to protect our own ego and our reputation at all costs. When we take this route, we conceal, deny, or bargain away our sin. (“It’s not that bad — it’s not as bad as what they did to me.”) That can deeply hurt others. And, it can lead to self-loathing, because we know it is wrong.
Because the Lord’s desire for us is to be free of shame and commune with Him again, He tells us to confess our sins to Him: “If we confess our sins, he is faithful and just and will forgive us our sins and purify us from all unrighteousness” (1 John 1:9). When we confess our sins, He takes them, removes them from us, and casts them away.
He is the one who can purify us – the only one who can purify us. We can’t fix ourselves. Our “goodness” is like filthy rags. That is why Jesus came to make a way for us back to the Father. He stepped in, because of His great love for us.
Romans 3:24 – 25 says, “And all are justified freely by his grace through the redemption that came by Christ Jesus. God presented Christ as a sacrifice of atonement, through the shedding of his blood—to be received by faith. He did this to demonstrate HIS righteousness.”
We are forgiven. Praise God! And yet, it is crucial that we note this: It is not because WE are righteous – even us church ladies. It is because GOD is righteous, and it is by HIS grace that WE are forgiven.
Forgiveness is at the very epicenter of Kingdom living demonstrated by God Himself, lived out through Christ. It is available to us, and it is to be available through us, because of the Spirit of God living in us. Therefore, it is crucial, even mandatory, that we learn to forgive and learn to apologize, because none of us is perfect or without sin.
As followers of Christ, called to humility, we should become quick to repent and quick to apologize – to God and to others. Equally, we must learn to forgive. The more quickly we can forgive, the healthier we and our relationships will be. Both are necessary, because these are acts of obedience as we follow in Christ’s steps by imitating Him in forgiveness.
And He knows that we simply cannot bear the weight of carrying all of those burdens around. Walking around with unforgiveness is like walking through mud. We can barely make it through a day. Yet, we are called to do more than just survive a day. We are called to thrive, so we must forgive!
When we hear the term “forgive,” our minds usually go to the face of another person who has hurt us most. However, the truth that we often suppress, but carry with us, is unforgiveness towards ourselves. We must learn most of all to forgive ourselves.
Once we take our shame to the Lord, confess our sin, and ask Him to heal us, we are washed in His love and overwhelmed by the goodness of His forgiveness. His grace and mercy help us learn to have grace with ourselves.
We begin to gain confidence from Christ instead of our own goodness. When we grow confident in His love, we are able to show ourselves grace. And when we learn to show ourselves grace, we live with greater honesty, because we recognize that our wellbeing does not hinge on us being right. We recognize that we needed forgiveness, that God gave it to us, and we can freely extend it to others like Christ.
My desire for myself and for you is that we live FREE. Yet, we cannot live free when we are walking in unforgiveness towards ourselves or others. So, let’s talk about “others.”
Let’s talk about the pain that has come from people who do not acknowledge their sin – their trespasses – against us and may never acknowledge or apologize for the hurt they have caused. I have had a lot of talks with God about this – a lot of questions. These may be some of the questions you have had too:
– Am I called to forgive them… even if they aren’t sorry?
– Am I called to forgive them… even if they continue to trespass against me?
– Or, am I absolved for my unforgiveness because of their behaviors?
Then, looking inward, I have asked myself:
– If this person continues in this behavior, or they never apologize for something so hurtful, WILL I ever really be able to forgive, even as much as I try?
The answer is, YES: We are called to forgive.
And, NO: We are not absolved in our unforgiveness.
Why? Because we are submitting to the LORD when we forgive. We are surrendering to HIM by obeying Him. We are called to forgive by the One seated on the throne of our lives — Jesus Christ.
In the Prayer Jesus taught His disciples (us) to pray from Matthew 6, He says, “Forgive us our trespasses as we forgive those who trespass against us.” I will admit, that has been a hard one for me over the years: I will be forgiven in the same measure I give forgiveness?
Like you, a face often pops into my mind when I hear the word “forgive.” When this person comes to mind, sometimes my stomach still hurts. Sometimes I start to feel fearful. Sometimes I start to feel angry. And I have asked the Lord all the questions I mentioned above.
For a long time I held out hope that this person would care about and acknowledge the hurt they caused. Yet, once it became beyond clear that they did not and would not, I realized reconciliation was not possible, and I finally closed the door. At times, though, I will admit, it has caused me to ask the Lord, “Does this closed door mean that I have not forgiven?” In fact, this very topic – the topic of forgiveness – is a hard one for me personally.
1 Corinthians 11:28 says, “Everyone ought to examine themselves before they eat of the bread and drink from the cup.” So, before I take Communion, I ask the Lord, “Have I forgiven?”
I have a sweet friend who I meet with weekly for encouragement and accountability. One day I asked her, “Do you think I have forgiven?” She is a very thoughtful, deep person. She paused and said, “Yes, I believe you have. It is not a one and done. You have to continually bring it to the alter, and I believe you have.”
Her words reminded me that forgiveness is a daily choice.
Some relationships or situations will never come with an apology, but it is pertinent we forgive in order to heal. So, how do we do that? We fully surrender to the Lord.
When we feel those nerves – that hurt and anger – we surrender it to the Lord in each moment. We ask Him to take our brokenness and turn it into something beautiful. When we continue to go to the throne room when we feel that hurt, that rejection, we bring it to Him. What do we do from there?
The question some of you might be asking is, Does forgiveness equal reconciliation?
Dear friends of mine, Lenny and Jennie Barber, pastor a church in Ferguson (St. Louis), called The House. Lenny recently began a new series called, “Golgotha,” leading up to Resurrection Sunday, addressing the real price Jesus paid for us on the cross on Good Friday. The first week of his series was on Forgiveness.
What Lenny said really helped me on this very topic in a timely way: He shared that Jesus, knowing what would soon happen to Him – knowing He would endure unbelievable torture and be put to death – and knowing WHAT He would be called to forgive, He prayed, “Father, forgive them for they know not what they do” (Luke 23:34).
Then, he shared this: Forgiveness is made available to everyone. (Period.) YET, that does not mean they are reconciled. Forgiveness requires one side. Reconciliation requires two. Jesus died once for all. Reconciliation was only for those who repented. That really helped me. And that might help you too.
While we are not called to reconcile with everyone – because we cannot control them or their choice – we are called to forgive.
What else does Jesus tell us to do to those who have hurt us? He tells us to pray for those who have persecuted you and spitefully used you. Can you pray for them?
I will admit, I am a work in progress. It has, at times, been hard for me to know what to even pray for a person who has hurt me so badly. I just can’t find the actual words to say many times. Yet, my relationship with Jesus is the most important thing to me. He is my Savior and Lord. So, I want to obey Him.
When I start to freeze, and I cannot find the words to pray for a person who has persecuted me or spitefully used me, I have found this to be helpful: I begin to just pray blessings over their family. That is very easy for me to do. I want them to be well.
Lastly, I want to share a beautiful story — the story of a time I received an apology from someone whom I least expected it:
Years ago, I worked with someone I really liked, but it was clear the feeling was not mutual. It was a confusing situation for me, because we were always part of important work and close-knit teams, and we never had a falling out. Yet, there was palpable tension and, what seemed like, active opposition to my projects. After many years of working together, I left but it still baffled me. I had never figured it out.
Seven years and two jobs later, I was in my office, when I received an email from this person. We had not kept up at all, and so I knew it took effort on her part to find my work email. What it said brought me so much healing.
Ultimately, she shared a bit about the season she had been walking through personally and confessed that, although I did not have anything to do with that, she had taken out some of her hurt on me. She shared that the Lord had since done a healing work in her heart, and she wanted to apologize to me for how she had treated me.
Honestly, it blew my mind. Not only did it bring clarity and healing in this situation, but God used this apology to bring about healing in me beyond what was needed in that situation.
Yes, this person hurt my feelings. But what she didn’t know was how much I had gone through since then (unrelated to her). Through the hurtful experiences I had since walked through, I had begun to believe I did not matter and my feelings did not matter to others. Yet, her response to the Holy Spirit convicting her, and going out of her way to find me to take accountability for her actions and apologizing, it actually brought me healing beyond her words.
The Lord used her to show me I was worth the effort of others, that I was worthy of dignity. He also used her as an example to me of how to apologize and take accountability for my actions and behaviors towards others. And then, it created a bond of love between us as sisters in the Lord that hadn’t been there all those years before. What a blessing. We still message each other to encourage each other to this day. That was a gift in my life.
When we confess and apologize…
When we surrender and release…
When we forgive and leave it with Jesus…
We heal.
When we invite Jesus Christ, the light of the world, to flood us with His light, He shines in every area of our hearts, souls, and minds. He overcomes the darkness. And light heals. He heals us.
No longer are we dry and dying in the wilderness of our own sin…
Not only do we survive, but we thrive. We become abundant, full of love. And this love can spill out on others. We are free, and we are effective.
The Bible says, “Do not conform to the pattern of this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind. Then you will be able to test and approve what God’s will is—his good, pleasing and perfect will” (Romans 12:2).
When we allow the Lord to renew us – to renew our hearts and our minds – we look different. The love, the healing, and the freedom of Christ changes us. And, when He does, our thought-patterns change. We become different. We act different. We become wiser, full of grace and love. We become a joy to spend time with. We even enjoy our time alone more.
Renewed thinking might look like this: When we get tempted to judge someone else, to put on pride and to become “Church lady,” the Lord reminds us of what He has done for us, and we learn to apologize quickly.
We learn to take prideful thoughts and cast them away. “We break down every thought and proud thing that puts itself up against the wisdom of God. We take hold of every thought and make it obey Christ” (2 Corinthians 10:5). We ask the Lord to replace our pride and sin with His grace and love that He has shown us.
When we mess up, we repent quickly to the Lord, and we apologize quickly to others. And when we honor God and love others, we live without weight. We bless those around us again, because we are well. We shine the light of Christ into the darkness. And Jesus reigns through our story. We have the victory!
I have created a Forgiveness Worksheet designed to help you spend time with the Lord, asking Him to reveal areas where you need to surrender, and to ask the Holy Spirit to help you take the steps to move forward in your healing. To access this worksheet, click here.
“May the God of hope fill you with all joy and peace as you trust in him, so that you may overflow with hope by the power of the Holy Spirit” (Romans 15:13).
Sarah Guldalian 